lemonaid_bubbles

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About lemonaid_bubbles

  • Birthday 09/21/1978

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. My love

    The touch of his hand so warm, I hold his hand in my hand and look at how much bigger it is than mine, I trace the fingers of his hand so strong and warm, so gentle and kind, I silently wonder how any other could be so violent and fierce, how another hand I loved with all of my heart could be so full of punishment and fear. The feel of my head on his shoulder, so much room for me to be there, so strong and sure, so safe and full. Silently I wonder how any other could be so painful, how my love could be so easily gained and so strong of force, so innocent, so much innocence so much pain given to my innocence of mind and heart. His mouth so much care, so much wonder at who I am, so much kindness spills forth, how am I able to handle such a change from such a place I used to once upon a time lived and know that hurt me from the lashings that were constant. How can I be in this place I am not common in, how can I expect anything more than the beauty of what I have. I once believed that innocence could never exist in my heart and mind again, but him, he taught me things I never knew were there, he showed me the innocence was still there, he pulled it out and it spilled over into my heart into my mind I once again felt the innocence of love, the hopes that are built up within love, the desires that only I could touch. I again felt alive in a love I never thought I would ever see again. As my love gains strength, it becomes painless where there was nothing but pain, I cannot force myself to look the other way anymore, I can't become a wall between love anymore, my love is pure and true and in my mind there is a fear that says no more, but I love to feel this love I don't want to hear what fear has to say, I don't want that dark,empty, cold, hating place anymore. I want love, the warm love that fills my mind full of sunlight, the love that fills my heart with butterflies swarming around with a tickling feeling of laughter, I want love, all I want is love.
  2. set me free

    Emptiness and quiet but no peace in this place of my mind where one races after the other and I don't look as the paranoia takes over my heart I don't listen as the voices tell me where to go I don't hear reasoning in this quiet stirs a violence to set me free from this place of devouring madness terrible insanity and darkness set me free from who I cannot ever be she can't be real she has to be alone she can't survive in this world no sense in trying just let her go into the darkness bound by demons let her go.
  3. Love and Hate

    Love and hate, two strong emotions, but loving causes pain causes fear into the hearts of the once deceived and fear of the pain happening again. It's so much easier to just hate, so much easier to find the faults and hate, it hurts being annoyed by their presence when you have the memory of once love and freedom from fear, but you realize how stupid you were being and hate takes so much energy away from the love, takes so much pain away from love takes so much fear away from love. Hatred is a strong emotion where lies the darkness, the pain, but no fear, no memories of being hurt, no fear of what may happen next. We can't trust it is beyond us, so what is the point in loving when the darkness of less trust is not far behind the edge of love. I find myself slipping back into hatred, it's just so easy to do, it's like the same as my mind, my mind cannot believe in being positive it is too dark, my heart cannot love for long it is too scary. He makes it so easy to hate, but no attention, he makes it all so easy. But I want him against me, maybe I can do it without love, I shall see.
  4. One Day

    Along came a way for her child like mind to reason itself into an existence that would hurt no more. Her ideas went away, her thoughts were on survival, her mind was a crazy cloud of emotions, she tried to push it away and she managed to hide her trauma and she had a mirror like happy childhood with a depression that would come and go and no one knew what was wrong with her, even she had no idea what was happening. A time came when she grew up more and she was alone the night her trauma unleashed itself onto her thoughts. It was dark with only a red light casting shadows into the darkness, she fell to her knees with her hands on her head and crying and screaming no, but it was her time to remember and it was her time to find other survival ways because her past was not going to come and leave her alone, she would have to live with the trauma, live with the memories, live with the pain for the rest of her life. She found ways to endure her pain, cutting and burning at the skin trying to make it go away, drugs and alcohol lasted for a little while but it was still there still haunting her, she ran and ran, she bled and blistered into scars. She could not rid herself of her darkness. One day she managed to put a wall up against this trouble, she could not see it, she could not feel it, it was gone, but waiting just beneath the surface of her thoughts, things would make it come out, seeing certain people caused her blood to run cold and a fear to take hold of her mind and her teeth set to clench and she screamed no, she screamed go away, she left and came back to an emptiness again. Her demons fly and stare into her eyes, they sing and scream into her ears, they will not let her forget they once had a hold over her domain, they will not let her forget that one day she would come back, one day she would die. One day she would meet her end and everything would come back again, one day is very soon now, one day is almost upon her. She lies on the edge of total insanity, each day her mind shakes and she holds on, each day she sees a monster waiting, laughing to take her away. Each day she struggles to hold onto life, she wishes she could just go away. She has a way to end the struggle, a way to let her demons out a way to let them be content, it is destroying herself but it is hidden from the world and no one knows of the endless torment she is put through. Hoping that this way will stop that one day from coming, will stop her from ending her life the way she should of done a long time ago.
  5. Yes I too have a lot of responsibilities I am trying not to show my depressed self to my kids, I want them to see me as happy. It is hard pretending.
  6. Who she is

    She is the same as before, she is not alone but alone so alone in her mind, no one can understand, no one can be there for her. She sits alone and pretends to be okay, for her kids, she puts a smile on and asks what is that? She pretends to listen like a careful lover, she pretends to care like a loving lover, she pretends that nothing bothers her. But alone she cries, she feels pushed away, she feels left behind, she hurts deep within her heart. In the red drops she sees a magic release of all her stress and fears, she hides like a little black dress tucked far away into a closet because it is too daring to bring out. It causes stares and whispers, it causes pain with no forgiveness. She does not understand the ways of happiness, the ways of communication, she does not understand the normal that others radiate outside herself. She tries to be like them, but it hurts so bad, hurts so wrong that she has to pretend, she smiles, she laughs and she feels like she is betraying herself by doing all this living. She should of died very long ago, she should be dead, maybe she is and she is in hell with little pieces of heaven caused by her children's laughter, what is this life she leads? What is this pain, why so much loss and regrets, why so much guilt when she could of done the right thing all along. But alone she lives inside her head where hell resides and the darkness swallows her up like a love should, she is taken back far away into her darkness where nothing resides nothing of happiness is allowed and it feels uncomfortable and not safe but it is all there has ever been. She smiles and laughs and pretends to care, but deep inside just at the surface she wishes for death to come soon and sweet like the sweet she craves. It's who she is, does anyone know? does anyone know her pain? Can someone feel it for her, can someone take it away from her? Is there anyone brave enough to go through her storms to find a jewel that may be buried deep within there. Is there anyone strong enough?
  7. Goodbye My Love

    Oh my love, my sweet innocence love, how you have turned dark and untrusting, how you have turned red with the spilling of blood shed like water from a stream, when all it took was a kind word, when all it took was a kind touch, a kind of attention that seems I will never have. And alone I am now, sitting in the memories of love, watering my tears as they fall from my broken eyes, I used to love, I honestly loved, and I lost it, is it my fault? I don't think it is, it is not my fault someone couldn't show me that I mattered, that I was important, that I was loved. And I long so hard for what used to be, I want to be together but I realize it can never be so, not anymore, it is all gone. I cannot love anymore, I cannot feel anymore, I cannot trust anymore, I won't allow it. My mind is a swirl of paranoia and anger, of pain and loss, of broken pieces that I tried to put back together, but together was just not was to be. And alone I sit, and alone I cry and I miss you but I miss the naive of myself, the trust the blind trust, now all that is gone. And alone I am to be, because I will not let another in to destroy me all over again. I will be alone with what I love, with what brings me love. I cannot live in this pain, I cannot live in this broken mess, just go away, just stop caring, I whisper into the orange red light masking my bedroom, just stop caring, and with a tear that sticks to my face I feel a lifting of my soul as all the pain falls against the pillow case and into the end of my love. But when I think I am free, the tears well up again in my eyes, and my heart breaks with loneliness and memories, but that's all it is, memories, I hold onto them like slippery gold, I hold onto them hoping them to be true again, but it is gone, it is all gone, but I dream of you, I dream of you on top of me like times of old, I remember you saying you wanted to make love to me, but that was when you only wanted one thing, you didn't expect for me to stick around. And so I drift away, I leave you alone, I talk of things to you over morning coffee but as I speak to you I can now hear your putting up with me, the tone of voice that says I don't care what you have to say, and I feel the same, as you talk to me and my mind drifts away and I do not hear you because I am tired of lies, I am tired of wanting to believe you I am tired of hearing what insane things that are not true. I greive for this loss, I sometimes want you, but then you disappoint me, then you hurt me with no touch, then you ignore me when I speak or worse pretend to care. I know my mind is messed up and through all this loss through all this mess you write something about love and for a minute, a fear filled minute I wonder if maybe I am wrong, if maybe I am just insane. But then you don't touch me, you don't say I love you, and I know you can but you don't to me, and that is what I read, that is what you say to me and I say to you...goodbye. Goodbye my sweet innocence, goodbye my love, goodbye to fear, goodbye to pain, goodbye to anger, goodbye to loss, goodbye to you, who I used to love with all my heart, all my very naive heart.
  8. What I have been doing

    Been a while since I have been here, I think it's because I have been blocking how I am feeling, lots has changed. Still with my boyfriend and he is still lying, I have been distancing myself from how he makes me feel, I realized it is working the other day when I didn't care what he did, we have not had sex in 4 months, I tried once, well asked him too and that night I forgot all about it and went to bed to sleep, so the next night I said we would do it, but the kids didn't go to sleep on time and I couldn't stay awake any longer, I told him if he really wanted to then he would ask someone to watch the kids, I said he is making no effort to do anything so I know he doesn't want too. But in my reality I don't want to have sex, I am disgusted by it,scared by it, when I think of doing it I become sick and fearful. Stuff has been coming up for me the reasons for my disgusted fear. He still lies to me, and the other day I had to make a tough choice, to call him out on his lie or to keep my mouth shut, I knew what would happen if I mentioned his lie, he would get mad, he would make me look like I am the crazy one then he would avoid me until finally I would have to apologize, I didn't want to go through that frustrating make me angry thing,so I decided to keep my mouth shut. I am trying to not let him get to me, trying to not care, I cannot leave him so I am trying to ignore it and just live with him until my kids are older and can understand better what is happening. But that is what I have been going through.
  9. This mess of mine

    You never imagine someone hurting you, never imagine someone would lie to you not once but many times over, it is hard to imagine why someone would say such lies, hard to understand their meaning behind it. It's hard to realize your whole 4 yrs in a relationship was lies and being blind. I look back to those first few years, such ignorant bliss I was in, such trusting blind trust. I am mad at myself for being that blind, for being that trusting, I should of known no human can be sweet and kind to me. But I trusted and now I am stuck, I feel like getting down on my knees and bashing my fists into the ground and screaming why, why did I do this, why did I get stuck like this. I am so mad at myself, so mad at others for not telling me, I hate it when people let me go and learn on my own, I hate not listening when they do try to tell me. I hate this relationship, I hate him, I want him gone, but my kids, what about my kids who love him, what about the time he lets me have alone, so much to not give up. But I cannot stand him, cannot stand to look at his lying face, everytime he opens his mouth I sigh and in my head I say, here we go again. I just constantly wish I had not got into this mess.
  10. I am not loved

    it occured to me today with such a clarity that I am not loved by him, it was so clear and true that my head was actually spinning, I saw warm colors in my spinning mind, trying to grasp this trying to understand it, realizing this truth was mind blowing, and it changed things, it changed my very mind, I am by myself surrouned by people, everything I do in MY bedroom is for me, every peaceful walk I take is for me and my kids, my kids love me, my animals love me, this is all I need. I do not need his love and acceptance, I do not need his lies, I do not need him. And with this truth I greet each day with peace and abundance.
  11. Trying to figure me out

    I don't know where to start. I thought I was over my uncle and the abuse when I forgave him in my own way, not the typical way but that's how I felt about it. Latley I have been pushing stuff away, missed therapy so I wouldn't have to talk about anything but I got it this week and I don't want to go but I have too. I noticed I am different with my baby girl, I don't want anything to do with her, I don't want to take care of her, I have been having my boyfriend do it, I want to stop this, I am going to miss out on stuff, I need to stop treating her like this, it's only going to damage her if I keep it up, right now she is just 4 months old. I don't know what to focus on, I don't know what I am hiding, I don't know how to deal with whatever it is when I can't see it. I am trying to write hoping it will pop up but so far nothing. Let me try this, latley my uncles face has been popping up in my head, how he looked at me during my grandpa's funeral, he looked at me with pity or something and he wouldn't stop, I wanted to hit him and scream at him, how dare he even look at me! I feel angry and sick at his face, I feel like he has no right to even look at me, I don't care if he feels sorry for me, he should feel sorry for me after all that he put me through. I was just a little girl, I didn't know what was going on, what was happening, I thought it was normal, I thought everyone was going through it, I knew I didn't like it and I was always scared and felt stupid by him, only one time do I remember liking it and I feel sick that I did but I understand it was just my body. Seems like I should have more fears over what happened, fears of being wakened in the night, fears of a stopped vehicle, which I kind of do, but not that strong. I know I have been pushing all this away for so long, and now I have to face it, I just have too. I need to pay attention to my little girl, I am scared of her, I am scared of what she reminds me of, myself when I was innocent, I am scared someone is going to hurt her, I am scared I am going to hurt her, I am scared to leave her alone with my boyfriend, he has no history of abuse he loves kids very much but I am afraid of what if this will be his first time, what if he feels some kind of connection with her and hurts her? I decided when she goes in her crib when she is older the crib will be in the bedroom, she will never be alone with him, I will take her everywhere with me when I go somewhere, I will make sure she knows to tell me of anything that might happen. I will let her know I am always here and to never be afraid of telling me anything because she will not get in trouble. I am afraid of loving her, I don't want her to hurt me like my other two have, they don't want anything to do with me anymore and it kills me, I can't understand why I displine them and they don't want nothing to do with me, my boyfriend does it and they are all over him, why do they do that? I have stopped doing it, I will raise my voice but I will never spank them again, it always made me feel terrible, I am not going to make myself feel that way and have them dislike me. I don't know if im getting anywhere here, I don't feel like I have made a difference in my mind. I don't know what else to do.
  12. Confused again

    Must I always pay attention to my feelings and thoughts? are they really telling me something? Felt like telling my boyfriend I didn't want to go with him because I didn't want to spend that much close time with him, but he didn't ask me to go so that didn't happen. Does that mean I don't want to be with him? I do not reply back that I love him, he says it to me and I know he has to notice I don't say it back, I thought about it today when I didn't say it back, imagined myself saying it but I couldn't imagine it, I just can't say it, does that mean I don't love him? I thought I did from how I was reacting to him the past few weeks, wonder what that feeling was if it wasn't love? I am confused. I imagine him cheating on me, it doesn't bother me, the thought used to terrify me and make me sick and these was just a few days ago, since realizing I can never trust him or beleive him because he is a pathological liar, things have changed. Maybe in just these few short days I have come to realize and accept I can never beleive him I fell out of love again, I don't know I mean is it that easy to fall in love and back out of love twice within months of each other? I don't know what is normal anymore. Trying to figure it out.
  13. Hard trusting him

    Trust. It's a word that brings such a hard problem for me. How do I let go and trust him, just believe that he made a mistake in his past and that maybe he has learned from it and won't do it again, but I just can't believe that, I just can't. I am pulling away from him, I avoid kisses and any opportunity that he may give them and hugs to me, I noticed last night before bed I avoided looking at him in case he wanted a kiss. I know it's not fair to him, but it's keeping me safe and calm, pulling away from him so he cannot hurt me. I am just so scared of him hurting me, this is the only way I know to keep myself safe from pain.
  14. He accepts me

    I'm a little crazy a little weird, I have outbursts that may make no sense to the other person, I try to force someone to blame me for their actions, when it's not supposed to be that way. I have mood swings, I can be downright not positive in my thinking or words. Things that may make others roll their eyes or leave me, my boyfriend accepts these things, he doesn't understand some things I come up with but he doesn't tell me I am wrong, he lets me find out on my own which is a good thing, Now who else out there would possibly be like that in this relationship? Who would even think that I am cute and funny when I think it's totally weird in myself. I always thought high maintence meant being perfect and pretty all the time, but in my reality I am high mainetence because I am crazy all the time. Being in a relationship is hard work, being with someone who accepts everything about me and puts up with me and doesn't run, that is a keeper I think. I am looking past all his problems and putting up with what is wrong with him because he is doing the same to me.
  15. The teenager inside me

    Had a dream about the teenage me, she was camping alone, wanted to be alone when others tried to come in, she was doing her same old things, writing down nine inch nails lyrics, being trapped in her dark world. Not sure if she was trying to tell me something, not sure if she wants to be whole with me or seperate on her own, I feel if she doesn't come in as a whole to me that her depression, anger and hatred will always be a part of my mind, but maybe if I see her for what she is, the same person as I am only angry at the world, angry at her parents angry at her uncle and angry at herself. Hatred for him and hatred for herself because she blamed herself, but now the blame is not on me anymore, the hatred is small and very quiet almost non existent. She doesn't want to be in a whole, she needs a voice, I will make her a website with all her writings on it. I will honor her for who she had to be, she had to survive.