juliekay

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    46
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About juliekay

  • Birthday 07/14/1961

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. crying

    Sunday, 22nd of December, Christmas time - nearly - past few weeks have felt my mood, spirit, sense of self, I dont know what to call it anymore, whatever it is, it's been slipping away. So very down, it's in my mind, my body, everywhere and I have no idea where it's come from this time. Sometimes I know what it is, like, the CSA and I can work on that. This time I just don't know., I'm just so very sad. I'm cranky, I keep getting teary eyed. My body is hurting but that's the diabetes doing that which doesn't help matters. I want to curl up in a corner and die.
  2. Hi Sammyxxx, really understand and empathize with you. Sounds like we are learning about this anger thing together. One thought I had was that we feel safe with our partners and like we can be "real" with them even tho we feel awful for hurting them. I am sorry you are having so many triggers and I sincerely hope things improve for you very soon. Take care of you
  3. Claustrophobia?

    Needed to visit a car wrecking yard today to get a spare part for my car. Tiny little office filled with half a dozen guys all 6 feet tall (or so it seemed). Two doors but only one was the exit. It was blocked by a big guy. I swear I stopped breathing - and something tells me I dissociated - got what I needed and got outta there, only I took the wrong door, so had to go back in to get to the right one. What a loser I am
  4. Time moves

    Been a while since I've written, need to update myself. Still feeling a lot stronger as result of changing number and social media profile. Have noticed that if my partner does something to annoy me I have started to snap back at him. Real actual anger which I would never, ever show to other males in my life before. I used to snap at my kids when they were little and misbehaving but never to anyone my age group, especially guys. I must learn to control it better tho, it is such a new emotion for me and it's damn scary. Hopefully will be able to get a grip on it.
  5. Changed my number

    Today is Monday and first thing this morning I called phone company to change my mobile phone number. No more random phone calls from the family! How bizarre that something so simple can give me a feeling of such strength! I have my sense of control and power back :yahoo:
  6. Saturday

    Saw therapist today. Was a hard visit, lots of tears on my part. Lots of talking things through. I came home and went to bed, slept for an hour and half. Woke up with low blood sugar which sucks but the weight had lifted a bit, can see a bit clearer now. Life not as hopeless as it was in the previous few days.
  7. Friday 20th

    Dead inside. Dr put me on new pain killers yesterday for neuropathy (nerve pain) in my legs. They are working but making me numb inside. Guess that's a good thing. The anger of the past few days has subsided to the point that I still want them or myself dead to end it all and I can feel and say that with no emotion whatsoever. Is that normal?
  8. Surviving when exhausted

    So tired today, mentally and physically drained. Busy morning taking daughter to Doctor, she has tonsilitis Then to pharmacy for anti biotics. (Forget to get my own script for anti depressants filled tho). Where was my brain at? Then to supermarket so she can have icecream. Took her home, did her dishes, did her laundry. Back to supermarket to do my own grocery shopping. Finally home and completely out of steam. It's the mental strain of pretending to be normal, putting on the fake smiles, The "I can cope with anything pretense" when inside I know I can't cope with sh*t. So tired of it but know no other way to survive. Is this surviving? Am I survivor?
  9. Auto pilot?

    It's Wednesday afternoon, nearly 48 hours since I got the phone call from "the father". Feelings of shock, fear, powerlessness and total distress have subsided. A lot calmer today but not sure if I'm on auto pilot or not. I spent so many years on auto pilot that large gaps of my life are missing. I guess the good thing is I got through this episode in one piece, no overdoses, no visible scratches. God, I love auto pilot!!