Newstart87

Member
  • Content count

    26
  • Joined

  • Last visited

1 Follower

About Newstart87

  • Birthday 08/22/1987

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. As I sit here on the couch pulled into myself listening to the music play through my headphones I realize how exhausted I am of pretending everything is ok. I know everyone that is in my life is the ones I choose now, but that doesn't me that the ones that aren't there didn't leave a giant fucking hole. How is it that I thought I was doing so well when in reality all I was doing is giving into the drugs.......giving into the meds my doctor has put me on ( just to clarify) I am a fucked up individual but not down that road so far. Everything around me is starting to go very smooth, so why is it I seem to think the world is shaking? Why do I feel as if its all a lie. Is it because I do not say what I truly want to some people? Is it because I am trying so hard to be ok because I feel as if it is ok for me to still be hung up on fucked up issues with my family? A key aspect holidays are over....I went to thanksgiving but nothing more.....I told my sister that I was "messed" with as a child and that the person shares the same DNA.....I finally told my mother it isn't ok to be there for her transgender friend while condemning her lesbian daughter to hell.......My dick head of a brother had the never to text me and ask about shit that we didn't speak and try to tell me that he loves me and never did those things when a few years ago he could do nothing but admit to it......maybe its because i never ponder on these things. What do I do I separate myself I push back the emotions, I wont allow myself to feel because I am weak......all I want is to drink. To feel the way only the alcohol can make me feel as it flows through my veins, but I try to say I'm better than that when in reality I am just avoiding a set of emotions I no longer wish to see. I go to therapy...yes maybe I haven't been going as often that I should but these emotions and feelings I go through when I have to consider why it is I need therapy. Is it the drinking...No. Is it the cutting....No. Is it because I am not ok....I'm not ok with what happened and that I honestly wish some days I could just sleep from dawn to dusk. I go to therapy because it is "helpful". Question is who is it helpful to anymore? Me or them? I am beginning to be able to wear the mask while others think they see me without it on. Some would say that's terrible, while I see it as they aren't feeling pain now are they? Know why? because I stopped it I made myself better for them. When is it going to be good enough for me to make it ok for me. I try to lie to myself and say I am doing so much better and no longer need therapy when its the complete opposite. The more I come to terms with everything it seems the more unstable my world is. Why isnt it ok to just bury it and hide away again? ohhh ya because it isn't healthy. Is trying to make myself ok when I know that I am far from it. Ya the fantasies had stopped....why...why did they stop then come back? I have been doing exactly what someone who was supposed to be "healing" I changed my life I took the reins into my hands and finally told the ones in my life it wasn't ok to push me around and treat me like shit anymore, but yet why is it it seems like it has caused me more harm than good? Music it cleanses the soul correct? What if your soul is dark...angry and only responds to anger...is it so wrong that I need the loud music to feel at peace. I have been trying to cut out so much of my life that the music must return. I feel as if I need it I need to feel the complete separation it gives me from the world even if it is for a small moment. Isn't that ok? I just want something to stay the same I need to slow down I am pushing myself so fast and hard that I can barely stand when I stop. I'm almost done...done with pretending for the moment...done with being the one that's always ok.....I feel as if I want to just fall and hit the ground, but who can I reach out to? No one my loved ones that around me want so much for me to be ok but in reality I am anything but. I can only put a fake face on for so long until it starts to crack. I just wish someone could understand...could see why I need the things that I do I feel as if I could just stop caring and start tomorrow with every deep dark desire that I have that would make the pain and past go away. I never do it..why? because I know I shouldn't...No because of the ones i love; I know that the things I picture in my head were to ever come to form that I would hurt so many around me....doesn't mean I don't want to do it just means I choose to not. Faith.....hope...words I do not know much about.....I feel it sitting in...I feel my body accepting it as it crawls from my foot up my leg wrapping itself around me while trying to consume me and in a few more movements I am consumed all that I see and feel is total darkness while the sun shines......will you ever notice no you won't. I only stand because of you...because it would hurt you to much to express how I truly feel. I will continue to hide my scars but for now I feel as if I must hide my true idenity also. As if somehow it is all tied to me. You hate the evil but....evil is all that I know. Perhaps this is what i need a true depth I have yet to experience, I want to fill the cold ground..I want to feel it as I push myself up from it but I know its ok for me to be down here as long as no one sees me here. How fucked up is that I only seem ok because it is what others need from me......
  2. I have the same problem. I try to take up some hobbies. I hit the gym, do a puzzle, draw or color. That has helped me. Hopefully it will help you.
  3. .......

    I recently stopped working at a medium security prison and it seems I have been getting worse. my abuser texts me out of no where, and it has seemed to turn my whole world upside down. I have tried to do my hobbies that my T suggested, but nothing seems to help I still feel restless inside my head. I cant seem to breathe most of the time, thank god I have a session this week because it seems I am about to overflow with the lack of being able to deal anymore. I try to speak with my partner about what goes through my head, but it only seems to cause us more problems she says she understands. At the same time she wonders why I still some times treat her the same way I have treated the people that have wronged me in the past. I cant explain it I don't always know when its her, and it just hard for me to really know that when she does certain things for me to not flashback to things that have happened or that could possibly happen again. I have those same feeling that I used to. I have the same desire to want to self-harm and I don't know how to control it anymore. During therapy we are talking about things that have been buried for so long and; it seems as if I will never be able to forget or see past the nightmares that face me. The worst part to me is not the fact of my "desires" are coming back , but that it is really starting to take its toll on my personal relationship with my partner. Does this all mean that I will never be able to have a good functioning relationship?? I want so much to be ok... to not feel the way I do. All I know is my mask is slowly starting to slip, and I'm afraid I will lose it all and that I have worked towards will crumble with it.
  4. Intimacy

    I have been having a lot of flashbacks and many nightmares that are purely sexual, but I know I need to be intimate with my partner. She never pressures me or anything and she is always there to listen, but I know the hints even if they are small. I told her I was having a hard day yesterday so there was no pressure put on me. I have started to wear my layers of clothing again only taking off one of my shirts when I am at the house. I hate that she has to deal with my "episodes" I am supposed to be trying to be nicer to myself as homework for my therapy sessions but it isn't all that easy. I can have sex while disconnecting myself but my partner knows I am able to do that and has said that she never wants for that to happen between us; in fact the first time it ever did she got really upset with me for being intimate when I didn't truly want to. What she doesn't seem to understand is that I could go for weeks without being intimate in any way, without even so much as a hug. One of my big things is I have always been used in some ways as a "fuck" and nothing more so that is why I taught myself to distance myself from these sort of emotions. I know I could do it with my partner and not have that empty gut feeling that I would after having to do it just because they wanted me to. If she found out though it would cause us to have issues in that part of our relationship and we don't have any problems for the first time in a veryyyyyy long time I am happy and I just don't want to mess things up because I am in a sexual rut so to speak. I want to show her I desire her but cant say that I will be turned on. That only makes me sound sooooo screwed up inside my head. To want to have sex with your partner even when your not in a sexual mood?? WTF??? Shes afraid of me losing interest when I get this way when it is nothing even close to that and I am not a very open person so it is hard to talk about such things. I mean on the net you don't see me or even know me so it makes it that much easier to just say what I feel. That is also a weird thing for me to be able to talk to complete strangers but not someone who I want to spend my life with. I am so confused on what to do right now. How do you look at your partner and say" I am still really into you but right now sex just makes me thinks of my abusers penis" ya it isn't dinner conversation in any way. This also plays into one of my fears that she will leave me if I am not sexual with her which for me is a constant fear. Of course my next therapy session isn't until the 30th. Hell I am finding it hard to trust my therapist even. I feel like such a tool when I go into her office and start talking about sex like I am such a pervert for even having these type of problems. Sex is a touchy subject for me....just adds to my already crazy assness. Not to mention the completely vivid sex dreams that I have. It almost seems as if this whole "healing" thing is making it worse because atleast when I hid it and keep it all in I didn't have to worry about all this other shit I was so cut off from any type of emotion to begin with in the first place.
  5. I can understand that, I am feeling the same lately. What keeps me going is knowing that my strength to go on may one day help someone see their own.
  6. Bad day....

    It seems I am having quiet the bad day today....I cant seem to shake the emotion of wanting to just sit and cry about what has happened to me in my past. I am a criminal justice major in college and come into contact with a lot of cases that are alot like my own and ride books, watch movies...etc One movie in particular seem to get to me it was filmed in 1990 maybe because I was so young in that year or alot of what the kids testify in that case happened to me as well. I don't know the reason why I cant shake it but that movie brung me to tears and my therapist says its ok to feel....its ok to just sometimes let your emotions show, but its hard. Its hard for me to just sit there and have the tears come out to just accept that maybe its ok the I feel everything I do and that its ok for me to remember. I hate to though I hate to remember. I cant stand to close my eyes and see visual pictures of what I went through. Oddly enough watching that movie just made me focus on how could my mother not notice??? How could anyone in my family not see what was happening? I try so hard to not hate them for it but even today I have no relationship with the person who did these things to me and my family just rules it off as we don't speak because I came out when I was 18. Even before that i cut this person out of my life. How can I hate and love people at the same time I just don't understand it. I want so much to be able to atleast be able to talk to some people in my family about what happened but god rest his soul they would just blame it on my father. I cant seem to be strong today I want nothing more than to just curl up in a ball and disappear from the world.......but I know I'm doing better because even as I sit here and type this I am crying. Which may not mean most to some but it means alot to me because I never used to be able to feel this I never used to feel anything. It hurts, and I can say that and its ok that it hurts. Being able to type a blog on here rather than drink or self-harm I can sit here and just block out the world for a minute, to just let myself feel, even if it is pain atleast it is something. I cant say that I will ever be ok but I know that one day I will be able to turn to other sources and not the ones I used to. I just hope one day that I am strong enough to look my family who protects people of such low disgusting criteria of people that do these things and tell them how I feel and that I wish to never speak to them again. I do beleieve that day is far away but atleast now I feel as if it is getting closer.
  7. Dreams...

    It seems as if I am having more and more dreams where sex is the main topic and where I must preform sexual "favors" to be able to leave. I hate this dreams plus it is beginning to pull my friends into it. So here I am trying to have a conversation with this person I am having in great detail sexual acts with inside my dreams needless to say it is beginning to make things awkward. I tell my therapist and she goes on to tell me that I am just working through stuff and that I am succeeding. To me it sure seems like a odd way to succeed. I just hope they stop soon......because its making me question the relationship I'm in and I cant tell if that's me being scared of if its really what I want in life.
  8. Not Having that good of a time....

    Not even sure what to say..... its like everything that has happened to me over the past two years has now decided that I should deal with it. Thanks for telling me emotions would of been nice to have had some sort of heads up before this all went down. I am a mess at work I cant even do the easy everyday life things like get out of bed. I thought i had a good way of dealing, you know the way when you put it way down deep and never deal with it well that was my way and now that I seemed to open some sort of bottle its like the rest of them want their chance to pour out. I cant have that I have been dealing just fine ok well maybe not dealing but you know it kinda works for me putting my fake smile on pretending everything in my life is ok and that I don't have a care in the world. Whats so wrong with that??? I mean the rock industry makes a good living off of me for all the angry go shoot yourself music I buy. Seems as if as I get older it doesn't seem to get better it just seems to keep getting worse and I cant deal with that this whole wanting to talk out how I feel and acknowledge my feelings has gotten me no where in life and now its consuming me and it makes it very hard to hide it and just get the fuck on with my life. I thought by now I could deal with what happened to me and the facts of losing the people I have in my life but to tell you the truth I have had some very shitty luck for the past two years of my life but I don't bitch about it or whine I just shove it all in a jar and place it gently down deep inside of me so why the hell is it trying to come out now??? why is it trying to show me whos boss?? Just when you think you may have a hold on things that you may be able to start to handle one thing in your life that's when they all want to just spring from the trap you have set within yourself. This month is hard for me and I understand that so I try and let my body have its little whoa is me time and then get on with my life but why isn't it that easy this time around? Why cant I just tell that little voice that I will be ok....when I know right about now im not...im not ok and that isn't ok because I have to be ok. I am the person that isn't aloud to have the bad day I am not aloud to BREAK but yet it seems as if I have no choice and I don't do well with that I always have a choice and have made sure of that since what happened but it doesn't seem to be all that easy this time around. I find it hard even when I am at work unloading the trucks to not just start crying and I am not weak... I am not that person that brings my small problems to work and cant get past them. i hate it I hate that I cant control myself anymore and I always know what happens when I lose control I want to regain it ya i know big shock right but when I want to regain it I do the one thing I know that works and that is self harming it grounds me it helps me when there is no one there to help me and that seems to be happening a lot no one being there me all of a sudden alone which is a weird thing for me because I see myself being there for a lot of other people talking their calls and texts when they need me and yet when i turn to them which I try to make on a seldom bases they aren't there.........That thought is back the one that sits there and pressures me to answer the question...can I do this anymore? I don't know if I can answer it the way so many people want me to and if I don't answer it the way they want I am in the wrong, there is something wrong with me. it doesn't matter if they know my life's history doesn't matter if they see me go through the pain i do its still so wrong in their eyes. I cant just open up and say what is truly in my heart I cant open up and tell them the things they will never understand. How do you communicate to people when you don't even speak the same language the answer is you don't because no matter how hard you try you will never get the point across and you will always piss them off because they cant understand you. So ya I am having a hard time dealing, worse than I have ever had before and I don't know how I will make it but I always do and the people around me may not even notice. I just wish I had that one person that I wouldn't hurt that I could speak freely and they just listen because I am drowning in my own thoughts and I am to proud to admit because I cant break, I cant be the weak one if I was who would be there for everyone else?
  9. having issues today..

    Today has been a good day so I don't know why I am having the problems I am today. had some nightmares last night and that may have a good deal to do with it, i am having a lot of body issues today where I feel and look fat which doesn't really make sense to me because my nightmares were about what happened to me. I just don't understand because before I feel asleep last night lets just say I ended it on a really good note and thought for sure sleeping the way I was wouldn't be a problem I usually sleep in layers, hell I always wear layers of clothing at all times I am usually wearing six layers of clothing if you count underwear. I don't get what my problem is today I feel as if everyone just looks at me and thinks what a pathetic slob. I hate when I feel like this and don't know how to overcome it. My doctor already doesn't like the weight I am and even though she will tell me that I need to gain all I hear in my head is how fat she thinks I am. i have gained about 7 pounds since I last went to the doctor and i know it just makes me look terrible. I haven't felt this bad about weight in awhile either, I don't want to eat or I catch myself wanting to binge that way I can have a excuse to get sick later. It just seems today I went and put on a top that fit and all I see is how tight the shirt is and how fat it makes me look. Could this be because I had a problem with SI'ing early in the week?? I did make myself eat once today but it seems that my head is controlling me and I cant seem to get past it; I cant stand the way I look today and I just hope I can get it under control before my girlfriend gets home from work I have already worried her enough. I just don't know why my weight is bothering me so much today and usually when this happens it goes on for a few days; I just don't want to worry the people around me and I just had to get it off of my chest. It seems this blogging thing does help clear my head. I am so scared that the way I look will make me lose my gf and she has helped me so much since I have been trying to get help. She reassures me that how I look doesn't play a role in why we are together but I have been used just for sex before and was kinda of used to it and I know how I looked when we first started dating now gaining this weight back has made me start to flip out and worry that if I gain to much that she will leave me. I think that maybe I should back off on what I am eating just for like a week until I can get my self under control maybe that will help me deal a little better. Being overweight was always pressed hard against me when I was growing up but I never went over 115-120 I just don't understand why it is coming back with such a force I just hope that I am not gaining to much weight and I hope that don't lose to much either so it seems I am stuck in a hard place which I'm not sure what to do. I weigh 137 now and am about 5'8" I know that this makes me look terrible maybe I could drop ten pounds and be done with it but I am afraid once I do that I will want to drop ten more.....For now I will just watch what I eat and see if that helps.
  10. I hope things get better, it seems as if there is only bad happening in your life right now. I wish that your parents did respect your privacy more and maybe one day they will. Keep your head up because you never know when there will be a tree limb in front of you. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.
  11. Thanks, it just gets frustrating sometimes. I am trying to do it and accept it just some days are better than others I guess. Thank you for replying though and safe hugs are ok
  12. Hoping to find the answers...

    I am in no way where I thought I would be today, I always see myself doing so much better than I am, hoping to find answers under a rock is what i seem to be looking for. I just don't get it, I don't get whats wrong with me. Why do I do the things I do why cant I just let the past be the past and move on?? What happened to me wasnt right but I don't know why it is getting worse as I seem to get older and I am always looking for answers, always wanting to know why it happened or why cant I be mad at the person that did this to me, but it seems I may never get that answer the one answer that I want more than anything. Why cant I hate him?? I know it may not be right to post more than once a day but I cant keep doing this I cant keep destroying my relationship because I wont get help because I wont just get "over" it or move on. I just want to be able to live a day without feeling the way I do or seeing some sort of flashback. So how do you find answers when you wont ask questions? You cant , You cant get answers because no one knows how to answer a question that hasn't been asked yet. Maybe its because I have only told a select few what really happened but I know, I know that if it ever got out it would ruin my family it would ruin everything; everything I have been trying to build back up ever since I came out to my family trying to rebuild what little connection we had, but is it worth it?? Is it worth me sitting back and enduring the pain by myself? These questions may never have answers, it is a reality that I may never get the answers that I am looking for because I am always protecting the ones that hurt me whether it be a abuser or a friend that stabs me in the back I always go to their side I always try to protect them because maybe that's what I want I want someone to protect me but have never had that. I am just now starting to try and get help , trying to find groups and counselors to talk to but what if someone in my family was to find out that I was trying to seek help would that stop me? could I find a way around them and still continue on my way to seeking the help I need? That I cant answer the one question I should be able to and I cant. I just wish I knew what to do; wish I knew what the answers were but it seems none of us ever really know all the answers do we? -A
  13. I am new to this website and I have been looking for one that I know I can go to and finally get some of the stuff that I carry in my head finally out so that maybe it isn't such a burden anymore. I have went for a almost a year without hurting myself but today I failed that....I failed in the worst way I cut again. I have fought the urge many times in the past months and just don't understand why I fell back into that black hole? Why did it take me over again, why did I let the urge win this time. The worst part wasn't the act in itself it was that I had to see my girlfriends face when I told her what I did and she had such high hopes that I would never hurt myself again; this is the first time since we have been together that I hurt myself but sadly I can not tell her it will be the last but it did push me to the edge and I knew I needed to get help that I need to talk to someone about whats in my head to finally start to let out the feelings that I have that I cant always keep them bottled up inside me because when I do I always end up losing the battle. Even though I know these things even though I know that its wrong I still give in, I still let this urge control me even when I try so hard not to. I just wish I knew why I did it again. My life is finally getting back on track..why would I want to do that besides the past coming up to haunt me, and the nightmares, I thought I could control myself. Not only did I fail myself I have failed the woman I love. The worst part being is I don't know if I will lose this same fight again. I am trying to make a new start, trying to regain my life so that I may make it better. It just seems that I may end up hitting rock bottom before I get there. Sorry about being "Debbie downer" but I just cant seem to shake it today. Angela Source: Relapsed...hate the feeling it gives me.