Dollygirl

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About Dollygirl

  • Birthday 09/21/1994

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. My poor baby

    What happened to me haunts me, I'm learning to live with the pain, the nightmares and the feelings of guilt and horror but what I found out today, I will never be able to live with. My darling little cousin, is perhaps one of the most important people in my life. She is bundle of joy and laughter, and very rude comments. She's now a teenager (scary for us all) and she has Down's syndrome, she's an extremely confident young girl, and I have promised to love and look after her for her entire life. Today my auntie called my mother and told her, while in town, her mum let her go to the newsagents on her own, as she's 15 now, my auntie wants to give her some responsibility. All she saw was my cousin go into the newsagents and 10 minutes later run out and hide behind a pillar, and she was in the coffee shop across the road. My cousin then after a while, went into the coffee shop to see her mum, and when they both left, they saw police outside the newsagents and sirens etc. Whilst my cousin had been in the newsagents, a 73 year old man assaulted my little baby, my poor little girl, whilst 4 other people were in there. She's so young and so vulnerable and is refusing to talk to anyone. I'm going away for 5 weeks in 2 days and all I want is for her to be okay :'( I just want to see her and hold her
  2. Why?

    I hate the word why, because I'll never get an answer. Why me? Why did he do it? Why does it hurt me everyday. Why can't I ignore it? I just want help :'( I just want it to get better. I'm 18 and I don't wanna be like this forever, always crying, flinching when I hear the word... I hope it will get better will it :'(
  3. Still running

    I want to run away forever. Being away from home, away from London seems to help. This year I went to newcastle, Manchester, Brighton, morocco, South Africa, Leicester, Wales , and everywhere else I possibly could. I've just booked to go to thailand, for 5 weeks. It's an escape. But can I run forever I hope I can. I want to carry on running, forever.
  4. Further from myself

    Recently all I do is run away. I run away from arguments, run away from feelings, and run away from London. I travelled all summer, to morocco and South Africa, to get away, to run away. This weekend, I got away to the coast. But I didn't get away from my feelings. I can't get away from them sometimes. Not only am I shutting everyone else out, but I'm shutting out my own feelings and its taking its toll. I'm hurting now, I'm hurting a lot. I dont want to share, because I don't want people to have to listen. I don't want to force my feelings on anyone else, and I certainly can't deal with them myself, so I'm stuck in this cycle. When will it end? Will the pain ever go? Because I don't know if its worth it. To have to live with this everyday, I just can't.
  5. Thank you Hannah, yeah I just feel like somehow it's wrong, I just don't feel deserving of it thank you for replying, it means a lot x
  6. Not so new guy..

    The new guy, has now been my boyfriend for months. I trust him with everything inside me, and that frightens me incredibly. He knows my secret. He didn't judge me, he held me I didn't feel disgusting, and shamed by his reaction, I felt sad. He's such a nice boy. Nice, so nice. I feel like he's more than I deserve, I feel like I'm nothing and he sure is something. I just know I'm happy, but feel as if that's not right somehow, idk why. But I really am happy when I'm with him. It's when I'm not with him and I'm alone at night, that's when I have the nightmares
  7. Thank you
  8. New guy?

    For 17, I've probably had too many relationships with guys. Long ones, short ones, and one night stand ones. I think I wanted to feel better, to feel like a normal girl, so I jumped into things, too many things. I have many regrets. But I've met someone new, and he's nice. He's so nice. And, I really like him, I really really do. But I'm scared of letting him too close, of moving things too fast or slow. Why am I so scared? Whats different this time? The only thing I know is, he makes me smile. Not my false covering up my pain smile, really smile, he makes me happy. That's got to be a good thing right?
  9. Hurt

    She's ruined everything :'( why did she tell my parents :'( I was going to, when I felt comfortable and safe doing so :'( Not only has she hurt me, she's hurt them. My mum looks exhausted, my sister is avoiding me, and my dad looks at me like he's helpless, like he can't do anything. I was happier before, with nobody knowing. Keeping it in worked for me. I'd rather feel 100x more pain, than see the same pain in my mums eyes. I've gotten through a lot, but I think this is more than I can take.
  10. Thank you both so much for reading Still breathing - It just hasn't sunk in that she did this to me,or her mother. My mum said to me, 'it wasn't right that I had to hear it from her' and I agree, and feel worse now. Now it's wherever I go, and in the way they look at me :'( Annie - I want to, I don't want to speak to her again, she's ruined everything :'( I know I won't be able to hold the grudge though. If I confronted her, she'd get upset, just to get out of the conversation, and I'd feel bad and apologise :'( nope, can't press charges
  11. Betrayed

    And it's all my fault, when I was drunk, I got scared and emotional. My best friend was with her boyfriend but I had loads of other close friends there, but I didn't want to find them, I wanted to cry. It was a house party so I found myself a bedroom and cried.my friends came in, and demanded to know what was wrong. Being so drunk, I told my friend C, and she looked terrified, and I don't know why I told her as she's not very trustworthy but she swore on her and my life, she wouldnt tell a soul.In that moment I just needed someone to talk to. I've only told one friend before and that was beyond hard and painful. So, I go home and sleep, sober up and go out early the next morning. My mum calls me and asks if I need picking up, and as she offers, I say yes. We drive for 10 minutes, and then she pulls up by the side of the road and turns off the engine. She says she got a call from C's mum saying I got r...... Was it true? Its not fair. Im not ready for my family to know, yet now they do. I wasn't ready. I don't want them to know. They can't help it, but they look at me differently now. Like I'm a fragile, broken child. And I guess I am, but home was my only escape. Escape from the false smiling all day long and then false laughs. Now I have to keep myself together here too. She promised me. And out of all the people for my parents to hear that from, somebody they don't know, who in the same conversation afterwards told my mum about her bathroom tiles.. Definitely the worst people. My mum looks crushed, my dad looks hurt and my sister is angry. At me. I can't deal with this shit. It isn't fair. I can't be myself anywhere anymore. Always have to prove I'm fine now.
  12. 17

    Thank you
  13. 17

    I don't even feel like a teenager anymore. I feel old, I feel like I have skipped a few years. Everyone says I act other than my age, that I act wiser or more sensible. I didn't chose it :'( I want to feel young and carefree. I can't even remember what it felt like to not feel hurt I genuinely can't remember the careless feeling. I feel like I've been forced to grow up. To act as an adult and deal. Deal with things I don't want to have to deal with. And nobody around me understands, not my parents, my family or my friends. No one gets it. Can't cope with the pain anymore
  14. Feeling bad.

    I'm not very well, physically or mentally ATM. I've got a head ache, head colds, I'm shaky and exhausted. And I'm a mess. I hate admitting I'm not coping. I feel like I'm failing myself, like I'm being weak but it hurts it hurts too much for me to smile through everyday. Today, I cried almost all day. I just couldn't keep the false smile and laugh any longer. I hate when cracks show. People don't realise I'm hurting when I smile, but when I break down, it's all eyes on me,and I hate it. Everyone hugs you, asks if your okay, asks you to talk to them about it, as if they'd understand, At least I've got pandys. People on here really do understand.. And they help. I just don't know how much more stress, strain and pain I can take before I hit rock bottom again
  15. Running away.

    Couldnt take anything earlier this week, so I went to the station, bought some train tickets for me and a friend, and left for Wales. Went to a small town, beautiful, and I escaped. But all I escaped were my everyday stresses. My memories, hurt, guilt, tears, fear, I can't run away from them. Why can't I run away from them? Why am I always so confused I hate being the one asking stupid questions, that no one can answer I feel so immature, demanding answers, but I dont know what else to do. Except cry. I cry all the time, I drain myself, until I'm numb. I'm so numb I can't feel, and there's no more tears inside me. Until I can't speak. Then it starts all over again. How can I cope, when will things start looking up? :'(