justme46

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About justme46

  • Birthday 12/26/1964

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. robinson, very creative way to get your feelings out. So glad you are able to continue your healing. You are right, being a victim sucks, being a survivor is how I choose to label it now after lots of therapy etc... thanks for sharing!!
  2. I so wish I could feel this strong everyday, I don't think I even know the woman who wrote this And it was me............
  3. MAY 11, 2012 My Journey of HEALING Sitting here, feeling sad and emotional today. I'm feeling the need to instantly write down the thoughts that are coming to my head. I don't know why but I'm giving into the feeling because it feels so right. I realize to some this may sound quite insane. Well to me, one who struggles every minute of every day to be happy, to be whole, to be OK with ME. Obviously, I'm not ok with me, well it is obvious to me at least. I've realized, with the help of an awesome therapist, whom I give so much credit to, that I have been damaged. My very being has been changed at the hands of someone who I've thought was my responsibility for so long. My abuser, my ...... brother...... I've been trying to heal from the sexual abuse I endured from the brother who was 6 years older than me. I'm learning just how traumatic this has been to me for MANY years. Of all the things I've been through, and I've been through quite a bit, this seems to be the most painful and the one that changed the way a young 5 to 10 year old veiws EVERYTHING in the world. The anger and emotion that I feel more and more since dealing with the memories and flashbacks, is at times, overwhelming and yet in its own way relieving. All of the emotions I've not allowed myself to have for so many years. The justifications that I made for this behaviour for so many years. There are NO justifications for what my brother has done to me, NONE. I did not deserve to be manipulated and used in this way. Why I still love him, and wane on being angry and feeling sorry for him, is way beyond my comprehension. My therapist is helping me get through these feelings. Oh God, I truly feel she has saved that little girl and she is helping ME to forgive her and give her comfort. Sometimes it is so very hard to understand how badly this has damaged my soul, so as my therapist tells me "only open the lid of my jar a little at a time, ONLY when I am ready." It's such a small thing but something I cling to. Only I have control of how much gets out and how much I want to deal with and when. Man, I really had no idea how long this healing crap was going to take, but I have to be in it for the long haul. My mind, body and soul need to heal and I want to learn to love myself so that I can love others the way they deserve.....the way I DESERVE. Yes I said it, I DESERVE it. Dear Justme, You are a good girl......you didn't know, you didn't understand, I know it's confusing. I know that now and I'm here to tell you that YOU are worth being here on this earth. YOU are worth the love that you receive from others. YOU ARE ENOUGH. Just relax, no need to be anyone but yourself and take the time that you need to learn what kind of person you get to be now that you know IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, and never was. It is ok if you don't want to see him, it's ok if you are angry, this was done TO YOU!! You may never know why your brother did this to you, but certainly you were manipulated and used for a teenaged boys urges at the very least.....you were so young, and damnit, he was old enough to know that what he was doing to you was wrong. You are not responsible for his life and how his life has turned out, HE IS....and cetainly not you. I wish the 47 year old me could tell you it will be ok, I would hold you in my arms and tell you that you are sweet and innocent and beautiful and kind. I would tell you that it is OK TO SAY NO...he is not your parent. You don't need his or anyone's attention, because you will grow up and find the most amazing husband and friend that you could ever imagine.....you will have children and grandchildren who are so awesome and they will need you.....even if at times it seems they don't......as hard as it will be for you to realize, they need you and they always will. God loves you and in the worst of times, he is carrying you through the bad times and teaching you in the good times. God is LOVE, he is not judgement or hate or shame, God is LOVE and you are worthy of HIS love. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS!!! It may take many years but take your time, relax and continue to take things ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!! You are worth every minute of healing you can get, the future is yet to be determined. I love you "Justme" In healing, Just ME
  4. I also admire your courage, I know (because I too have been writing letters) how difficult these letters are to write, EVEN if they aren't sent or before they are sent. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this but I'm also encouraged by the strength that you show. One day at a time, right?? I am so glad things are talked about WAY more than it was then....DENIAL is so damaging to many of us even when we turn it inward and think it is easier. Thank you for being strong enough to share your story.
  5. Thanks I really need to hear that sometimes!
  6. I'm sorry that you can relate, hang in there and thanks for listening!
  7. I am sorry for your pain as well....maybe one day we will have the answers....I hope so, blessings to you too and thank you!
  8. I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you feel alone! sending safe hugs!
  9. So tired of feeling this way :(

    It seems that I've not been able to get control of my depression and anxiety....I am so fucking tired of feeling this way. I just want to have better days like I used to, what's happened to me?? It seems I'm unable to deal with anything these days. What will it take?? I have a lot of blessings in my life...why can I not focus on them?? This in not fair, I don't deserve this and I'm tired, so tired of being ME. It is now 3;30am and I can't sleep!!! I worry about EVERYTHING, I feel inadequate and needy and I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!! I'm stuck, frustrated, pissed and can't seem to get past it. I can't wait to see my therapist, I had to cancel my appt last month because of money situations. She seems to somehow make me see the good in myself. I need that now and soon I will see her and maybe she can shine a light on WHY THE HELL I'M SO STUCK IN MY MISERY!! I was going to write in my journal but instead I came here, don't know why, it just seemed a better place right now. I'm sounding kinda crazy I know, but this is what is in my head and I'M SO DAMN SICK OF IT!! I'm pissed at my brother, so pissed that for years I felt sorry for HIM, because "he never had girlfriends, he had acne, he was the middle child, he this he that.....WHAT THE HELL!!! HE SEXUALLY ABUSED ME AND USED ME FOR HIS SELF GRATIFICATION!! Damn it I am mad as hell and I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I did not and do not deserve this...........I am struggling to take care of me, I don't want to push people away, I am so tired of struggling, I want to be happy, I so want to be happy and I don't want to have to deal with this shit so many years later!! DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT.......WHY is it that my mom, who I love so dearly, who is almost 80, can't grasp that I don't want to hear about my brothers struggles.....I know it's her age but the whole reason I told her is because I couldn't take hearing it anymore. Why can't I get her to realize this?? Why can't I just accept this as the way it is???? She says to me, "I probably shouldn't talk to YOU, about this, but he still doesn't have a job....you probably don't want to hear that he had surgery on his acne??" NO MOM, I DON'T AND I've TOLD YOU THIS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TRY AND UNDERSTAND THIS!!! Most of the time now she is good about it and we don't talk about him or the situation at all....it's better that way, mostly....but she can't seem to stop saying things sometimes....I DON'T GET IT!!! Obviously she is the one that doesn't get it. I love her so much and this makes it so hard, I don't want to get angry with her anymore, I just want to accept that she can't deal with it and her age is the main factor. Why is this so damned hard?? OK I think I'm done with my rant for the night, I'm going to crawl in bed next to my husband and try and sleep now. I think I just needed to get all this shit off my chest!!!!!!! goodnight (hopefully)
  10. thanks, I figure as hard as it's been for me to go through this, I am trying to hold on to the good!
  11. Just had to say after writing here that my husband didn't "get it" I must say that he is definitely the ONLY man in my life who is ALWAYS there for me. He may not completely "get it" that would be impossible and sometimes I forget that. He is only human and when he apologized for the things he said he told me "I'm sorry honey, I've got a small brain sometimes" and told me that although he can never totally understand what I've gone through, that he will ALWAYS be there for me no matter what. For this I am truly grateful and blessed to have him as my husband of 26 years. Today I've been very emotional, I'm on a medication that is not agreeing with me and it has made my anxiety and depression worse.....I didn't want to burden him with it so I tried to keep it in....but I told him I was having a tough time and he came over, sat next to me hugged me tight and told me to let it out and just go ahead and cry (I told him I just felt like crying) I of course just started balling and he just held me. Even though I'm a hot mess today, I am so damned lucky that God gave me my husband and I'm going to try and hold on to that. I only wish that everyone could have someone like him in there lives.
  12. iwannabebrave, thanks for replying....I think a lot of this I know logically but I still hate it and at times it just gets to be too much and I feel like I am going crazy. I guess it is all "normal" feelings but as you know I'm sure, still hard as hell. I don't know who the "real me" is anymore or even if I've ever known who I am. I'm so impatient but I guess I gotta learn patience for my healing. Sometimes it still floors me to know how VERY MUCH the abuse by my brother has changed who I am and who I want to be and how badly it has affected me. I have been in denial way too long. hugs right back at ya thanks again
  13. My therapist told me that she would like me to write a letter to the "Little girl ME" and for some reason it is really hard to do. I mean I've written to my brother/my abuser and I thought that would be the hardest. But for some reason, I can't seem to start that letter to my young self. She thinks I am taking responsibility for something that I had no control over. That I need to realize that it in no way was my fault and that somewhere in me I don't get that yet. Maybe not in those words but that is how I took it. I can totally understand this, logically I do know that it wasn't my fault....why then is it so hard to write this letter and comfort the little girl I was back then?? Something to ponder and then maybe one day soon I can do this and find some peace somewhere about this. She says I'm very early in my healing, I want it to be done, I want to feel better NOW. But I guess that is too much to ask, because just saying it certainly doesn't make it so.
  14. My therapist told me that she would like me to write a letter to the "Little girl ME" and for some reason it is really hard to do. I mean I've written to my brother/my abuser and I thought that would be the hardest. But for some reason, I can't seem to start that letter to my young self. She thinks I am taking responsibility for something that I had no control over. That I need to realize that it in no way was my fault and that somewhere in me I don't get that yet. Maybe not in those words but that is how I took it. I can totally understand this, logically I do know that it wasn't my fault....why then is it so hard to write this letter and comfort the little girl I was back then?? Something to ponder and then maybe one day soon I can do this and find some peace somewhere about this. She says I'm very early in my healing, I want it to be done, I want to feel better NOW. But I guess that is too much to ask, because just saying it certainly doesn't make it so.
  15. Oh me too, I can be having an awesome day and everything is great, then one little thing will remind me and that is all she wrote. So frustrating, but I am learning that I need to face it when it comes up because if I don't it just gets worse. Thanks for your kind words they mean a lot to me!