takebackthenight2010

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About takebackthenight2010

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor

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  1. Without Pandys I would not have survived. Pandys saved my life. Pandys gave me the tools I needed in order to carry on and not feel ashamed.
  2. my internet has been cut off. pandys and facebook are the main source of my interaction as i dont have any real support in real life. i have posted about therapy issues, etc. on relationships board if that needs to be addressed. is there a way for me to stay in touch via email as i still have access to my email every day via my phone. i know that is limited too with my husband pulling everything out from me, but i will take it as long as i can get it. thanks. tbtn
  3. you are being the best mother you can be and doing everything you can to make them happy. you are helping get them the treatment they need with the challenges they have. you are wishing what every parent (well, most every parent) wishes and that is happiness without pain or difficulty in their lives. worrying about your childrens lives doesnt make you less of a person, it makes you more of a person. it shows you care. they can feel that. not every child has that - that stability. they do because they have you. i can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. dont be so hard on yourself. you didnt do anything wrong in your pregnancies or otherwise to "make" this happen. as a survivor, i have learned that sometimes there simply arent explinations. i am sorry you are struggaling. i want you to know that i hear you and you arent alone. keep reaching out. and as far as you see other people around you that have nothing wrong with their children - oh dear. i know those words so well in my life. not about children, but about surviving this. and i would be so upset that others didnt have the struggles i did. that everything seemed like nothing was wrong in their life. what i learned was i have no idea what other peoples struggles or their childrens struggles are. you could be seeing people that are like my mom who would rather walk over hot coals with needles in her eyes than be seen as someone who is human who has problems. you never know what someone else is dealing with. i understand what you mean by this, and i am not meaning any harm by what i am saying. somehow, when my therapist told me that, it helps me ease up on myself and those around me. sending you ((hugs)). keep doing what you are doing - you are a great mom.
  4. i am really excited for you. and i understand what you are talking about - with signs and things being put into place. the doors just open up - as they did for you. and i know its not a bad thing. its a HUGE happiness that your faith knows that you can handle this. and when big things that happen that are good sometimes we just have to catch our breath too in a good way. i am so excited about your journey. all the best of luck to you - it sounds like the windows and doors have opened up. keep us posted. tbtn
  5. 1. Were you silenced by someone? How? well, i think i was mostly silenced by myself. initally, the first time it happened, or the first abuser it happened with, i didnt realize it was rape. it was only my 4th or 5th sexual encounter, and only my 3rd boyfriend. i thought i was supposed to lay there and take it. when i knew better, and it happened again, i guess i would have the same answer. i silenced myself. i just never spoke the words. i was too afraid of them. 2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?) yes. my parents. there were things going on with my brother at the time that it came to a peak (he was not part of my abuse) and they took his side. really, really turned their backs on me. i have had friends betray me. making rude commentaries. i have had therapists betray me. i have betrayed myself because for such a long time i was silent and felt i deserved what i got. that person who felt that is a stranger to me now. which is a good thing. and i guess part of the reason why i am doing this exercise; to see how far ive ocme. 3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc) i had depression and ptsd. initally, i lost a lot of weight. i had anxiety and would not go out to get food. then, i gained weight. i lost one of my jobs. i had to go on medical leave with another job. so yes - i suppose i told people about my abuse. 4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not? no. i simply cant. it has no place in my life. i would not have made it thru this if it were not for the people on here and the few people i trusted. i already gave them (the abusers) my time, my tears, my anger. i could not give them this. i have to believe that there are relationships that can actually work; friendships and otherwise. everyones life constantly shifts. i realized that part of the reason others left me is not because they couldnt handle what was going on with me; its because they had things to cope with in their own life. it just seemed like such a huge betrayal then. relationships are harder for me because of the betrayal, but i could not allow the abusers to take my trust in all facets of my life. my friends and the relationship i had with them kept me standing. 5. How do you see yourself now? it varies. sometimes i see myself as this super amazing strong woman who is a survivor, facing things head on, being brave, resilent, simply fabulous; laughing and playing and blowing bubbles. then there are days that are harder where i look in the mirror and i just want to rip my skin off. my size bothers me. i resent my body. i resent the effect that this has all had on my life. it poured over into everything. 6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like? absolutely. i just joined pandys on facebook and asked other friends to join; friends that havent seen me in eons, and told them it was because i was a sexual assault survivor. they all joined. nope; everyone knows. 7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? it is hard for me to trust others. and when i do and that trust is broken, its hard to get back. i dont give it out. there is not an assumtion of trust. with me, you have to earn it. and that goes for myself and for others in my life. i guess i trust myself. in some cases. so no, not fully. but im getting there.
  6. not moved with the purple arrow- but gone. from activism forum and from my life forum. they were the same post- and i posted them in a public and private forum on fundraising ideas- i did it today. and had one response. but i havent gotten a note or anything that said i crossed a line by posted in both places- ive done that before- and i havent gotten a note saying that they were deleted for whatever reason. i know i am probably being too sensitive- but can someone tell me what happened? i can understand if it had to be moved- but not deleted. i dont even see an indication of either one. please help. thanks. tbtn
  7. mods- hi! thank you for all the work you do. i had gotten a note in my inbox (like i usually do) that i had a new private message notification. i went to long into pandys and it said there was an error and no such message exsisted. it was from noshamenofear. i am trying to contact he/she about it as well because maybe they decided not to send it. just didnt know if there was something technical going on. it just made me nervous/vulnerable- but what doesnt? thanks! tbtn