hyperballad13

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    95
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About hyperballad13

  • Birthday 05/13/1989

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Interests
    Writing, music and swimming
  1. Everything and anything....

    Yesterday, I was accused of bullying at work because me and two managers a had refused an employee to return items about fifteen minutes after close and honestly, it has pushed me over the edge. The situation has been thoroughly discussed; it turns out she was using me being irritable as a diversion away from doing wrong and apologizes have been made but I still cant get it out of my own head. As I have said before, I constantly feel like the worst person alive and that's one of my reasons for SI. Like punishment, I guess. And now this has tipped me over over over the edge. And all though it is all said and done, I just feel terrible, terrible, terrible. I hate Sunday's
  2. i love this! Thank you
  3. Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock...

    Tick tock tick tock. Keep busy, keep busy. I'm distracting myself with many colourful things; beautiful families, great friends, bright lights, nights out, cheerful jobs and music, addressing practicallity.. Nothing emotional. tick tock tick tock tick tock... another level in the bottle... building it up building it up Shaking it up shaking it up Ready to blow... tick tock tick tock... Time is slower now... One month. a thousand more to go.... tick tock tick tock when will it stop, when will it stop, when will it stop?
  4. I'm My Own Worst Enemy

    I had some unresolved issues that I had no idea where they came from. Before the incident, I was always paranoid and guilty. I constantly felt like the worst person and I was worried what people were saying about me and always thought they were angry, whispering behind my back. But I could deal, I was getting over it....getting there becoming who I should be without all this.. When it happened, I relapsed, I felt that it was my punishment, for being that horrendous person I had convinced myself that I was. I remember thinking "That's what you get." As much as people tell me it wasn't my fault, I can't help feeling guilty. And now, I feel I am being punished more. I already feel people changing around me; tiptoeing around me as though I am going to breakdown. I can hear their thoughts and know they were just talking about me before I walk into a room, then give me those smiles... The "Oh there she is" kind of smiles. I feel lost, as though I don't know how to exist in this new world that has been created. I know people mean well and they are trying but I am trapped by my own brain. The constant fret that people dont like me anymore and I cant cope with that. Instead of letting myself feel what I am feeling, I am now worrying how my behaviour is affecting others and then I feel guilty for myself. That I cant get angry at people who piss me off because I wont allow myself for fear of rejection. I wont let people see me cry because I don't want them to think "oh great here she goes again" Or when I have a good day, I don't want people to think "Oh she's over it," when at the moment its a brave face and I'm dying. And whats worse is that I know somewhere in the back of my mind that it isn't my fault and these people don't feel these things about me. So far everyone has been great to me. But whats scary? That my paranoia may actually be true... I want to be comfortable again, in myself and around people. And most of all, I want to let myself feel what I feel without telling myself that I shouldn't... I'm sorry for the rant or if this upsets anyone. Thank you for listening. Sarah xxx
  5. Two Weeks..

    Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks. I have had so many triggers today. Waking up on my back. The same dress. A song. A phrase. A photo. I see his face everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I have the best support system; my family, the three friends I have told, work and this forum has been amazing. They have been amazing. But I cant get out of my head that I am now this burden. I am pushing them away because dragging them down with me is going to make them feel worse. I don't want them to see me and everytime think of this horrible thing and therefore they cant talk to me about stuff they are going through. I hate that. I was always the advice giver and I still want that. Most conversation start "I know it's not as bad as what you're going through" and I just scream "STOP STOP, we all have things to go through despite what I am going through." And I know they keep seeing "RAPED RAPED RAPED" above my head as though I should be fended off and treated with cotton wool. I understand I need my space and I need to talk to people. But how can I do that without dragging down the people around me? How do I reach out without feeling guilty for it. Two weeks.... Not long enough, not long enough, not long enough.
  6. My mum keeps saying "He's probabley done this to loads of women" as if I'm supposed to go "Oh thats ok then..."
  7. Friends Part 2

    I just found out today after my friends had liked a page on FB that they are going back in a couple of months to the place where it all happened. Whats worse is that on this page there is a huge picture of him on it. I honestly feel sick. I've never felt this hurt by anyone who called themselves a friend..
  8. Hi. First of all welcome to Pandy's. I am really sorry that this has happened to you and what has brought you here but for my experience this site is amazing even if you don't want to talk about it or spew a thousand blogs a day. I'm find myself having days where I feel I can't get my old self back but somehow I believe that I'll find a new greater girl if I can get through this and I am sure you will to. You are being so brave, especially going to the police about it and that bravery and strength is something he cant take away from you. I hope this helps and I'm here if you need to talk. Keep holding on *Safe hugs if thats ok*
  9. Friends

    (Upon re-reading this, I found it a totally bitchy journal and it wasn't my intention. For the first time I have an emotions I can control and it may be anger but its constructive. I hope you guys don't take any offense or think bad of me) I've had an up and down day today. I found out I have to go to the doctors three times for shots and examinations. I completely freaked out at the doctor when she told me I'll have to lay on my back. I also for the first time saw my father upset about it all. I've only ever seen my Dad cry once and that was at my Grandad's funeral. I felt so heartbroken. My famiy are truly extraordinary people and they have come together over this. I hate seeing them hurt like this. Add that to the pile emotions i havent explored yet. But this blog isn't about that. This is about my friends. Even ones who dont know, those who are playing pranks to get a rise out me. I am slowly realising who my friends are and who they aren't. My housemate has been amazing, not only has he met me on the coach but he is cooking food for me. He even phoned my mum to check how she was with all this. He has been wonderful, I just hope I claw back all those feelings about him back. Maybe one day. My friend K has been amazing, she was there, she keeps checking up on me and trying to make me laugh. And I've had some great friends who don't know what happened been great because they know something is wrong. However, I have had so much anger at certain friends. Particularly one of the girls I was with when it happened. Not only has she ignored my text's asking if SHE was ok (she was there, heard my screaming) but she then tells K that she has been busy at work. Oh, not so busy that she can go shopping and have drinks with K. I cant help feel mad at this; it takes about a minute to send a quick text to make sure I am ok. I know why she is doing it, I know here. I am hurt though. I want to be a complete cow to them. Especially seeing as I found out the men they were "with;" the ones who they are completely in love with and are planning to go back there just to see them again, have been playing and lying to them just to get them to go to back to the bar. You know, when they abandoned the friend who got R just for some men. I feel so sorry for them in a way and I want to tell them but I cant get it across without being a complete cow. I dont want to see them hurt and if they do chose this, to go back there, I don't want to see them hurt. But is it up to me to tell them? Or do they have to learn from this and find out for themselves? Then something clicked, that I shouldn't be dwelling on their plans. I know this is going to be hard. I'm going to have up days. I still have the shakes, flashbacks and more. I can't lie on my back without freaking out and my brain has this thing going on and on. I know its far too soon to sound hopeful . And yet, I have so much I wanted to do that somewhere at the end of this tunnel is going to be a new brighter me. It's the tiniest of hopes and at the moment, I'm holding on to it. And I wish that for all of you x
  10. The Anger Kicked In

    Last night, I couldn't switch off and I got stupidly drunk, hurt my arm and cried down the phone to my mother. Today, the anger kicked in. The anger that at the moment I cant be myself. The rage that I wont be the same again. I hate to think that things I used to do gladly will scary and terrify me. And I hate that it has been taken away from me... Cant someone give it back to me? Take away the replay button on this memory? Take it all away... I hope you are all well
  11. laying on my back.... even if i turn over... i have certain songs that are very popular at th moment as well.. and this may sound ridicuous but chicken nuggets...they now make me feel sick...
  12. Don't be ashamed to cry and never wish you were dead because that means he has won. It is hard and no one deserves this pain but I believe you are courageous woman with strength to beat this. People may ask but you shouldn't feel that if you tell, people will look down on you because they aren't worth it if they do. You are so much better. I hope you feel better and can get through this... (save hugs) x
  13. thank you guys so much x
  14. Brain In Overdrive..

    Today started off as a great day. My family are treating me so incredible and my two of my closest friends have phoned me and made sure I was ok. I felt that with this amazing support, I could get through this.. And then my brain kicked in; going over and over every tiny little detail. I could smell him, hear him, hear my screaming, see my friends tears. See everything as though it just happened and I try so hard to shut it off, shut down and enjoy myself. I feel I've broken my mother's heart a little as I chose to stay at Dad's. Appart from allowing me to smoke, I knew at my Dad's I could have my own space. My Dad has been amazing, he lets me talk in my own time and leaves me be and to take my time, trying to be normal but supportive as ever. My mum is amazing and I honestly dont know how I would get through this without her. But sometimes she pesters and pushes without knowing what she is doing. I love her and I know she means well but she goes on pressurising me to talk. I also have a 8 year old brother and an 9 year old sister, living with my mum. In between the crying, the spacing out, the SI and the shaking, I couldnt bare for them to see me how I am now... And my gobby step-dad. He cares but in a way I cant comprehend As much as my Dad has left me to do this in my own way, I knew he was heartbroken. Being big comedy freaks, we watched Zombieland and Michael McIntyre (Comedien) whilst eating ice cream. For a while, I was so comfortable, I felt like a kid, like nothing was ever ever wrong. And then my brain kicked in and I couldn't laugh. I could barely smile. I registered that it was funny but instead I couldn't react. My Dad was howling and kept looking over to see if I was reacting and to see me like that...I just feel so wrong... I found out that my closest male friend is possibley one of the best human beings alive. I used to have a crush on him but before it happened, being attracted to someone seemed to fall away. But he is one of my best friends and since he found out, (he got worried because I wasn't being myself and contacted my mum so she told him) he is being wonderful... I feel my usual self fading away and I am trying to cling on so badly, not just for my sake but for my family sake. Can I let myself break down? Am I that strong to power through? Can I put my family and friends through that? I don't know. I'm sorry for the length, thank you for reading. I hope you are all doing well today and my best wishes to you all. Honestly, I'm glad I found this forum. Sarah x
  15. Family...

    I told my parents today about what happened and they are coming to get me so I can stay at theirs. I've honestly never felt so numb waiting for my family. I know they mean well but I just feel like I cant get through them that they need to let me be. I'm happy to stay somewhere safe and away from pretending but how can I get them to not talk about it over and over again or tell me how to feel and what I should or should not be feeling? I needed to tell them and I get that but now I'm thinking it was a mistake to tell them so soon. I'm already panicky but I honestly dont know how to act around them..... I get they mean well and I am so lucky to have them as my family, I love them so much. But honestly, I don't know how they'll react nor how I will or how we will be around each other. There will be three options; 1) Pretend it didnt happen with laughs and jokes to make me feel better.. 2) Try to talk to me about it and give me advice... 3) Walk around eggshells with me..... Neither I want to do with them because it will be just ....different... Sarah (this is by no means a stab at my parents who at the moment are being totally supportive...its yet another thing that is ruined by some monster)