Snowtiger

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About Snowtiger

  • Birthday 07/25/1990

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Colorado
  • Interests
    photography, music, writing, snowboarding, driving, running, watching movies, dancing, reading,
  1. My Journey

    I've never chosen to have sex, so maybe I don't get to call myself celibate, but I will anyway. I recently got an Instagram and was typing random words in one day and stumbled upon Sista Celibacy and now I've been reading blogs and watching videos and I've kind of gotten the "I'm not alone" thought bubble. There are other people other people out there that aren't having sex for various reasons. The "role models" I've found are all doing it for religious reasons, but that's not my motivation. I haven't done anything intimate/romantic/affectionate in 3 years and I'm so proud of myself. This summer people started "accusing" me of being asexual and at first I got mad, but now I care less about it. Am I asexual, I don't know. I find guys attractive, but I don't want to be with them. Occasionally I'll be like "Dang, it'd be nice to have a warm body to cuddle against right now while watching this movie", but I never act on it. It all comes with so much drama- me having panic attacks, the guy pitifully begging me to just give having sex with him a try, my mom insisting that I'm going to get pregnant (she obviously has no clue what I'm doing with my life). Yes, my r's play into this because hey, if I'm not doing anything with guys, I don't have to deal with my fears surrounding being with them. It's bigger than that though. I used to be a "cuddle sl*t" and even though it was just cuddling (and not actually that many guys, it made me feel horrible because the guy always tried to push me into doing more and then I had a panic attack and all I was left with was feeling horrible because I felt used and afraid and the fact that I'd slept amazingly and not had a nightmare for once, while being cuddled up with him all night (which I actually only did with 4 guys) didn't matter because all that stuck in my mind was that the next morning we kissed and I had a panic attack and I was left feeling like he was a horrible guy who was just out to hurt me, and I hate that because they were amazing guys and they weren't out to hurt me and some of them were cool with me just wanting to cuddle and try to feel safe, but something "always" went wrong (yes, I did at times play a part in things happening that I wasn't OK with). So I'm left with "Well, 1 time I only cuddled with a guy and it was amazing" and all these other times that hurt me because he breathed wrong or put his hand in the wrong place or I was like "I know he's an amazing guy and we're friends and he'd never ever hurt me" but I wasn't actually mentally ready to be alone with a guy or I was in my phase of "I have to make out with him and just hope that that'll be enough to keep him happy" and I never wanted to make out with them in the first place because I knew it was going to scare me but I was in this internal tug-o-war where I was convinced that no guy would be happy with what I was OK with so I always did more that I could cope with and had a massive panic attack and he wasn't happy in the end anyway because I'd just flipped out on him and screamed and cried for 3 hours because I said he could kiss me but I wasn't actually at a point where I felt safe being kissed. So maybe I'm really just "using" the title of celibacy. I don't even go out at all. I sleep, go to work, sit in bed on my computer for a few hours, and go back to sleep. I made a Tinder but I have no intention of ever meeting up with my 197 matches. I have a guy friend that I've spent the last year venting my story and fears to and he says he wants to cuddle sometime and show me that it doesn't have to be scary or traumatizing and part of me is on board with it, but mostly I'm not because the rest of me is arguing that "He's had sex before and he's told me he really likes sex so obviously he's just trying to have sex with me" and I really don't think that's the case- I think he's a sweetheart that just wants to hang out and get some human touch and only have sex with people that want to have sex with him and that are mentally OK with having sex (like he has told me several times). But I have not yet learned to reconcile the concept of "He's had sex before, he likes sex, he'd be willing to have sex with me" with "He isn't going to have sex with me because he knows I don't want to and that I can't mentally handle it, and he actually cares about me so he isn't going to do something that he knows is going to traumatize me, plus he's not interested in having sex with someone who he knows doesn't want to have sex with him". I don't even like human touch and affection. I'll cry and scream and freak out in a panic attack if you hug me or put your arm around me or anything. I'm very confused. I think mostly I'm like "I want it to be 250% clear that, if I did hang out with a guy, I'm not going to have sex with him." and saying I'm celibate/abstinent is the easiest way to scare off the ones that aren't cool with waiting around. And that, if I were to see someone, hanging out in a public environment (as many celibate vloggers suggest) will make me feel much more comfortable because the environment itself lends some safety. But at the same time I also struggle with genuinely not having the energy to do things because of chronic illnesses, so "netflix and chill" is really the best route. I don't know- I guess it doesn't really matter since I'm not actually interested in meeting a guy. The YouTube video I'm listening to right now says I need to jump on it when a guy is agreeing not to have sex until marriage, and I need to hurry up and get married, but that ain't happening. The fact that you've had sex before, and now you're not because you've been hanging out with me, that is not my problem. Rushing into marriage just to reward him for having waited is not the answer- all it is is a recipe for disaster. If he cares about me, he can find a way to care about me without me having to rush into getting married or he can leave. I really don't care because I am not interested in being with someone who is that focused on us having sex. He can wait 5 or 6 years to have sex with me so that I can feel safe and have some assurance from the fact that if he was willing to wait that long, he's most likely not going to r me. And while patiently waiting 5 or 6 years, he can never say "I love you" if he knows what's good for him and he'll never take me on a walk in the forest and he can't have a single scary, creepy, intimidating, threatening, overprotective, or pushy moment. ^Hmmm, perhaps I still have some things to work out.
  2. Up, Down, All Around

    Tuesday I got told I need stomach surgery Yesterday (Wednesday) was 27 months of not SI'ing Yesterday (Wednesday) my T told me she absolutely cannot support me going off my antidepressant just to get out of my annual exam. Today is the one day a week that I do not have class... So instead I'm stuck trying to do all of my homework. Today my back is in so much pain I can barely keep the tears in. Tomorrow, I would have a 5 year old from my r when I was 15, if I hadn't lost them. Monday is my first day of DBT group. Wednesday I have T again and she's going to expect me to have called and made this dang appointment for my annual. Thursday I'm having stomach surgery, if I can find anyone to drive me home afterwards. So, along with making an appointment for my annual, for a chiropractor, and for surgery, I must also make an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon because it's been 6 months since my knee surgery and he told me I'd be good to go this winter, but I still cannot snowboard. Snowboarding is my life, so the fact that I can do everything else just makes it more frustrating. Can I get off the rollercoaster yet?
  3. I Think I Have BPD

    I think I have BPD. In fact, I am positive that I have it. I've spent the night watching videos and bawling my eyes out because I feel like the only person who can truly understand me, is the person that made the video, who I do not know, and will never meet. It is hell hating and loving you at the same time. I am absolutely and completely terrified of losing you, yet I can't stop myself from doing those exact things that push you away. I hate myself for screaming at everyone. They don't deserve it. And then I wonder why they leave. But really, who can blame them. The slightest criticism feels like I'm being stabbed to death, yet at the same time, no amount of praise is ever enough. I hurt myself because it gets me attention. I hurt myself because if I took my pain out on you, you'd leave that much sooner. I try to be someone that people want to keep around, but I can't make myself change into that person. I'll drive too fast just to feel alive. I'm so empty inside. I feel like I'm dead inside. I'm OK with going a couple days without eating even though I know it's bad for me. I think secretly I love being able to hurt myself in that way. I get angry over nothing and I do mean nothing. Things are either on or they are off- there is no "halfway on" lights, no "halfway between warm and cold" on the car's heater. Either you have the lights and heat on full blast or you turn them off. Either I did good or bad. I cry like every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. I don't know why. I just feel so empty, worthless, and dead inside. Everyone around me has friends and significant others and they are accomplishing so many things, and I'm stuck in one place, never moving. All I want is to cling to someone and never have to let go. I am so tired of being abandoned. Yet the harder I cling, the more I am abandoned. I'm alone because no one will ever understand me. My mask may make me look happy, but inside I die each time someone asks "How are you" because I know that I can't possibly tell the truth. I remember when I lived at home being terrified every time I was left at home alone. I was convinced that someone would break in and hurt me. I would lock myself in the bathroom with my phone and cry until my mom got home because I was that afraid. The same guy that got Bobbie was going to get me. Bobbie wasn't even real! But I could tell you all about him- he was my older brother and someone kidnapped him from the basement when he went to get ice cream one night and no one has seen or heard from him since but I'm sure he's dead. I know he isn't real, but tell a 4 year old that their older brother died and they'll make it real. I'll admit that I'm manipulative. I lie to get what I want when I'm scared. I hate being threatened. I know I shouldn't, but I can't stop myself from interrupting people ALL THE TIME. I can't patiently wait my turn like a normal person. Other people have valuable contributions too, but I guess I think that whatever mundane thing I have to say is more important than what they feel, think, believe, or say. The one boyfriend I've ever had in my life, I dumped after a month because I was scared he was going to hurt me. He was a sweetheart who deserved far better than me. He never gave any indication that he would do anything to hurt me. He loved me and cared about me and truly wanted the best for me. He wanted me to be happy, and I dumped him before he could hurt me. He didn't want to hurt me and I honestly believe that he would never intentionally do ANYTHING to hurt me. But I couldn't accept that there was a chance of him hurting me. Maybe I was afraid of him hurting me because of being raped when I was younger, or maybe I was just afraid because that's who I am. All I know is that he didn't deserve it. And now I'll kiss any guy that I have the chance to, not because it makes me happy, but because I hope that that will somehow gain me acceptance. Kissing anyone that I have the chance to makes me so so so so so so so so so so so so so so miserable. I hate myself for having no self-respect, but I guess hating myself is better than someone rejecting me. People tell me that there are guys who are looking for more than a fling, but I'm not sure I believe them. You can't imagine what it is like to hate yourself so much. Nothing I do is ever good enough. No matter how hard I try, people still leave me. No matter how hard I try, it's never enough- I still fail. I make mistake after mistake after mistake. I push away anyone who wants to help because in some twisted way, hurting myself now is better than waiting around for them to hurt me. I don't understand my own emotions. I don't understand why I'm happy one moment and considering driving my car off the road the next minute. I get angry, yell, scream, curse at, and threaten people who mean the world to me. I tell people that I hate them, yet at the same time I love them. I live inside the world's largest contradiction. In Philosophy class we learned about the binary, which is essentially "You know what white is because you know what black is". That applies to like every aspect of my life. Only instead of heads and tails each being a side of a coin, they are duking it out to be one side- like taads or something. Things are never enough. I tell people that I hate them and want nothing to do with them, yet at the same time, I just want to hold onto them and never ever let them go. Except the harder I hold on, the more they pull away. I want someone to hold my hand and love me unconditionally, yet I am empty and unworthy of being loved. I can't get through this without friends by my side, yet they all keep leaving me. I can't pretend to be perfect- I am the polar opposite of perfect. And that makes everyone hate me and leave me. Even when I do get enough sleep, I still wake up exhausted. I feel so out of control. If I make the tiniest mistake, my whole world may collapse. "Normal" people can give you some idea as to why they feel sad, angry, upset, afraid, happy, distressed, alone... me, I can only make something up because I don't understand why I feel these emotions. I don't understand why I feel these emotions so strongly. I don't understand why my emotions change so quickly, for no reason at all. I want to get off of this rollercoaster. I may feel 5 conflicting emotions all at the same time. At times I want to start cutting again. I want to go back to being actively suicidal. These things got me attention. I miss that attention. I miss having people that would answer my text messages. I miss the sympathy. It was one thing when I was cutting because I needed to in order to release the pain that I had pented up, but cutting just for attention is stupid. Yet how else am I supposed to get the attention that I need. I hate myself. I don't understand how anyone can see me as worthwhile. Why would anyone ever love me? What reason does anyone have to care about me? The only attention cutting ever got me was bad attention- people on high alert because they thought I was honestly going to hurt myself. I want to please, yet at times simply getting out of bed seems like too much effort that day. I just want to be normal.
  4. I Don't Have Words

    The walls are crumbling down around me. I don't have the support I need. I want to SI in an attempt to "regain control". I just want to be wanted. I want to be cared about. I want to be valued. I want to be loved. I give up. I can't even say here what I want to.
  5. Protected Like A Sister

    Last night one of my male friends told me that whenever he is with me, he will protect me like he protects his sisters and it made me feel a lot better. And I just liked talking with him. I've been working off of the concept that if someone tells me something enough times, I start to calm down around them. But I haven't had to do that with T. The night I hung out with him (which was the only time outside of class) I felt so safe with him because I truly felt like I was in control of EVERYTHING that happened. He let me start out as far as possible from him (which isn't very far on a twin bed, lol) and that sounds like a small thing, but it meant SO SO much. I feel like other guy friends (even ones who know about my SAs) don't understand why I want that space, but T got it without even knowing the whole story (at the time he knew the kind of standard "I haven't had the best past with guys"). And we just watched movies and I got to scoot closer to cuddle as I felt comfortable, and that meant the world to me. One of my other guy friends in particular always gets me trapped between him and the wall and he's super cuddly and wraps his arms around me and says "You are too a cuddly person" and it scares me soooooooo much, but I can't even tell him because I'm scared of that too. So with T it was really nice to be on the OUTSIDE of the bed and to be able to move closer as I wanted to cuddle. And I loved the things that T was saying to me last night and they were over messenger so none of it had to feel threatening. "the big part of things of this nature is you need to trust your self and the friends that surround you to not let yourself get into the situation that might cause a problem to occur. the fear you feel is that you dont trust guys as a whole, but that gets in the way of you living your life as fully as you can. the thing you need to focus on is trusting yourself and your close friends to make sure you dont get in to trouble and to rescue you when your in trouble." I DO NOT trust myself or my friends and I DO want to change that. I don't trust myself because I feel like I somehow got myself into a situation to be raped and I don't trust myself to be smart in the future, even though I don't think I get myself into risky situations. And since I don't trust myself, I don't trust my friends because I'm afraid that the people I think are "safe" or "OK" or "good" are secretly planning to hurt me. "your still allowed to be very timid and distant from guys to protect yourself but if you get to know a guy on many occasions and you feel like your comfortable then maybe you could try to let them into your life alittle more then most. im not trying to tell you you need to let guys take advantage of you but to try and give some a chance when your ready" Ok, so maybe that's obvious, but it still means the world to me. I feel like T is the first person who has said that it is OK to be scared. I feel like other people push me to "just forget it" (even though they say things that are the opposite of that), whereas last night T told me that it was OK to be scared and that I DO NOT have to rush back into trusting guys. And I like the part at the end about "when you're ready" because so many times I feel like someone else is trying to push their own time schedule on me, and that time schedule always moves way faster then I want. "the best way to approach this is not to let guys take advantage of you, but to analyze how guys are reacting to you and to make sure that you absolutely trust him and want to proceed any farther into friendship relationship or more. and to make sure what trustworthy friends around you know how far you want to go and not let things happen that you don't want" I guess I feel like "absolutely trusting" is what will get me hurt. I AM slowly learning that that isn't the case, but I would like to continue to work on it. I like the part too about "trustworthy friends around you know how far you want to go" because I guess I feel like I'm sorta in this alone, but I shouldn't have to be. I don't have to be. Just because *I* am afraid of saying "no" doesn't mean that I can't have friends who know "I don't want to leave with another guy" or "I don't want to dance with people I don't know" and "save" me. Yea, dancing with a stranger at a party won't get me hurt 95% of the time, but I still have the right to say "no" or do what I need in order to feel safe. I also like the idea of friends not letting "things happen that you don't want" because again, I feel like I'm in this alone, but I'm not. I have guy friends who will step in and "protect" me, especially if I were to ask them or say something to them. I believe that my guy friends want to see me genuinely happy, and will protect me and help me feel safe so that I can be happy. "saying no is not hard. when its you on the line and serious problems may occur then no ones more important then your self, if you feel like you don't want to do something with a guy then you must learn to just say no and walk away. and if you cant then to always make sure that when your in a private situation with a guy and he wont take no for an answer that you are close enough to people who can hear you that way you have an elevated chance of terrible things not happing to you." I already had down the "close enough to people who can hear you" part because I feel like I've always come up with an "escape" strategy. When I was going over to a guys house, my roommate would know where I was going and they'd text me occasionally throughout the night. Other than that, when I hang out with guys in the dorms, I figure if I were to yell really loud, someone would hear. In the dorms I feel like I can also rely on the "Your roommate will come home eventually" logic. I do wish I could reach the point where I had no problem with saying "no" and walking away, rather then being afraid that saying "no" will get me hurt. "like i was saying there is no need to rush into something if you dont trust it then its perfectly ok to turn it down. like i said its all about you no one else matters in this situation" I have a hard time accepting this in my head. I'm stuck on the idea of "Guys like sex, therefore they will do anything possible to get sex" and so I guess it helps to hear from a guy that "its perfectly ok to turn it down".
  6. A Glimpse of What I Want

    There are those moments in time, however rare they might be, when I feel safe and protected. Those moments when I can truly see that not every guy will rape me. My first year at school here, this guy Chris would hug me everytime he saw me and it was the most amazing thing ever, and I miss it so much. I claim to hate hugs, but he didn't care, and I love him for it. Twice when I went to a party at "a lake house", this guy Matt came to my rescue. The first time, I discovered that I was severely allergic to pot smoke, and ended up sitting on the porch bawling my eyes out, and he came over, wrapped his sweatshirt around me and held me, and I was able to calm down a little. He is the one that went and found my friends for me so that I could go home. The second night, he saved me a handful of times. When a drunk guy backed me into the corner and had me scared out of my mind, Matt was the one who told him "Knock it off. That isn't cool at all". When that same guy had me backed against the fridge later, Matt came to my rescue again, and told the guy he'd have to leave if he didn't stop bothering me. Matt helped me and two of my friends come up with an "escape plan" when we were ready to leave and this other guy who was kinda obsessed with me wouldn't leave us alone. Last year, I liked this guy Jeremiah, and he knew enough about my first rapist to know that I hadn't had a great experience in the past with guys, and he was the one who told me "All I care about is getting to spend time with you. Everything else is just a bonus". That is the single best thing anyone has ever told me. It made me feel like I could say "Stop" to anything, because he was just glad to see me. When I was scared, he would hold me as tight as he possibly could, and it made me feel like absolutely nothing in the world could get to me. When I drove home for Thanksgiving, he texted me to make sure I got there OK. Today, one of my male roommates came home and saw me "nestled" up in bed, and he came in to make sure that I was OK and that I wasn't sick or something. I've lived with the guy for 9 months now, and I guess today was the first time I saw a sign that he cared about me somewhat. I didn't mean that to sound as negative as it just did. It feels like I just kind of "orbit" around him and his girlfriend usually, but today I saw a glimmer of him caring about me a little bit. I just wish there were some way that I could sometime get a hug from him, because truth be told, I really like hugs, as long as I can trust the person not to rape me.
  7. "Normal"

    What is normal? Is it the same for everyone? Does it change throughout our lives? Is there a normal for an SA survivor versus normal for someone who never experienced SA? I feel the need to be afraid constantly, and unfortunately it seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm afraid that every car behind me is following me. I'm afraid of being pulled over by cops since I was once pulled over by a fake one. I'm afraid of guys and absolutely terrified of being alone with one. I find it hard to trust people who say that they don't want to hurt me. I find it nearly impossible that there are good guys- guys who will protect me, who won't rape me, and will get mad at those who do take advantage of me. I'm afraid of anything physical / intimate with a guy, even just cuddling. I have the urge to do nothing physical / intimate while at the same time feeling like I'm worthless and that I might as well just be a prostitute because I'm this dirty used piece of trash that no one wants. I push people away because I'm so scared. Yet, what I just described, I think is "normal" to one extent or another for an SA survivor. However, if someone who had never experienced SA were to jump everytime someone touched them, to think of an escape strategy every time they were in a new environment, to check that the door was locked 100 times before they went to sleep, to be scared by some "minute" detail... They would most likely be considered abnormal. Is this normal? Do we have the right to judge whether someone is normal or abnormal? The person I just described who "never experienced SA" may have in fact and we just don't know about it. I certainly don't think it's fair to judge that person. I think that we are all normal in our different ways. By being an SA survivor, being wary of men and checking the locks on the door is my way of protecting myself. A person doesn't have to be an SA survivor though to care that the door be locked while they are asleep. I'm not sure what I meant this to say, but I don't think it said what I wanted, but I'm OK with that. I didn't have the intention of writng this, it just came to me while I was responding to a topic.
  8. Last Night

    Two nights ago T texted me saying we could be "cuddle buddies" and I was like "whatever" cause I don't know him that well. Last night I was bored (like every night) and after awhile I decided I needed to do something besides washing every dirty dish in the entire apartment, sweeping and mopping the kitchen and bathroom floors, vacumming every inch of carpet, disinfecting every available surface, and dancing around to Ke$ha. So T and I ended up hanging out. And it was really nice. We watched a snowboarding vid that we ended up talking through while both awkwardly laying on his twin sized bed. And we watched the Joneses and started actually kinda cuddling. And then he started watching some zombie movie in Egypt with aliens and robots, so I tickled him until he abandoned it, haha. Once the tickle fight subsided, it was really nice to just lay there and be held. Eventually the lights ended up getting turned off and we were cuddled up with a blanket and I ended up spending the night because I'm lazy and didn't want to get up and go out in the cold and snow and drive home. And it was amazing to just lay there being held. I'm not really a huge fan of cuddling. I tolerate it from a select few people, but mostly I'm completely terrified of it because of things in my past. But it was really nice last night. Not once did the thought cross my mind that he was going to hurt me or that it'd be possible for him to rape me. I just layed there relaxed and cuddled up and enjoyed being held. It made me realize why I have friends that can't stop saying how amazing cuddling is. Cuddling is amazing, as long as you can be relaxed and enjoy it and don't feel scared the whole time. And in the moments that I did get scared, he'd rub my back and I'd tell myself to relax and I'd try to like breathe in time with him, and in a minute or two I was all good. I think it helped a lot that he didn't make me talk about what was scaring me, because then I think I just like get worked up about it. I feel like by just holding me and rubbing my back, he was silently telling me that it was OK to be scared but that I didn't HAVE to be scared. And so I think that's why I was able to move on so easily / quickly. And then I fell asleep with him which was a first for me... I have never fallen asleep with a guy. I get absolutely terrified. Like EVERY POSSIBLE thing that could happen races through my mind OVER AND OVER. But that didn't happen last night. I simply got to enjoy how nice it felt to be held. How nice it felt to feel safe and protected and wanted. How nice it felt to feel wanted. He's moving 2 hours away for the summer, but is coming back in the fall. Hopefully I can see him some this summer and that maybe something can develop from this.
  9. I don't know how to get better

    I don't know how to get better. People tell me to trust, but I don't know how. I'm afraid that the first person I trust will hurt me. I wish I could enjoy hugs and that I wasn't terrified of them. I wish that I could believe that not every guy wants to hurt me. I wish I could believe that there are more good guys than bad. I wish I hadn't ruined everything with Mike because I was scared of what happened in the past, and that it might happen again. I wish I could just cuddle up and fall asleep with someone. I wish I felt like I were good enough. I want to be skinnier. I want to have that body that stops traffic. I want to amaze people with my self-control to not eat. Yet here I am eating junk food and I hate myself for it. Self-injury is the only escape I know, yet I stopped doing it 18 months ago for a guy. And I keep hoping that guy will care enough to start being my friend again. There have been periods when I've wanted to not cut because of me, but right now I'm back to not cutting because of other people. I think I want to get better, but I'm not sure that it's worth it. If I were skinnier or prettier or more trusting than maybe guys would like me. If I weren't so scared, maybe I'd have friends.