katrina100

Member
  • Content count

    94
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About katrina100

  • Birthday 11/15/1994

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. i agree too. i am in high school and i know over 4 people in EVERY class who were raped. It hurts to see the pain in my friends eyes. Mostly because i had the same thing happen to me and i know the pain and what its like. I feel helpless like i cant help just like no one could or did help me
  2. He Killed me: (Poem)

    He killed me: They think they know me, They don’t know a thing, They know the person I pretend to be, They know the girl, who loves her self, The girl with a smile every day, They don’t see the pain I just want to go away, Do they know he already killed me, Because Every day he is all I see, Constantly in my mind, My soul is what I am trying to find, I may be breathing but I am not alive, Every breath I take, Every move I make, Every smile I fake, Slowly kills me more inside, I may be breathing but I already died, Every time I claim that I’m okay, It gets even harder to make it through the day, The pain is getting longer, The pain is growing stronger, When are they going to realize that I am not alive. Why don’t they stop trying to save me, Because Nothing else is left to be,
  3. I used to be....

    I used to be a good kid. I didn't smoke. I didn't really have any problems. I was a good friend and was nice to everyone. I was so happy. I promised myself I would never drink or do drugs. I promised myself I wouldn't ever hurt myself. I didnt do good in school but i wanted to do good. I cared about doing good. But After i was raped everything fell apart. I started hurting myself, I started drinking and smoking. I became a monster. I started hating myself. I pushed all my everyone away. But now I am changing even more. I am doing even more stuff that I never would. I have so much anger and pain that I try to hide. When I tell my friends about the things I do I act like I only do it for fun, and we laugh about it because I don't like showing my pain. But I hate myself for doing the things I do, and the more I hate myself the more I do these things. But I don't do them because I wanna have fun, I really am not all okay with the things. But I do them because I am in pain, more than anyone knows, people just think I'm bad, it's because I hide the pain by pretending I am okay. What's worst if all is if I never was raped I never would have changed. I wouldnt have pushed everyone away. I would be me. But Chris didn't just rape me, he distroyed me. He might has well if killed me
  4. No one understands

    I am so done with taking peoples shit. This girl hit because I couldn't hear the teacher talking. I wanted to slap her and say don't touch me. I was not in a good mood enough because of everything. Everything is falling apart. I am done with these stuck up people who have no damn clue what I am going through. And I'm done with peoples smart ass comments I am done with my family saying I am not trying and I just don't care. I am over everyone and everything. I hate that I am thinking like this. I hate who I an becoming. I don't even wanna make it anymore. I have so much anger and hate building up and I am turning into a monster. While walking to school I hope to god I will be in the middle of a shooting and i won't have to be here anymore. The more people try to help me the more I push them away. The more I wanna make it through the worse I get.
  5. Don't wanna.

    I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be anywhere. I just wanna fade away. I am killing myself by everything I am doing. by listening to this depressing music. By pretending, by smiling, Everytime I say I am good I die a little more. By living i am slowly dying. How does my family think that i am okay. Though i am trying so hard to not let them see but its obvios. Its so obvios that i am not alright. But everyone just ignores it. They have asked if i am okay. They know i am not okay!!!!!! But still i claim i am. As long as i say i am they just go along with it. I can't stand anything anymore. The anger is building inside every moment. Everything anyone does I get pissed at. I don't mean to I just do. I can't find anything funny. I can't seem to find any bit of happiness. I don't even have the energy to try anymore. I am half dead. Like always someone asked how I am. This guy just asked through facebook and yet I answer the same as always... That I'm good. What else can I say. I can't move. Everything just makes me want to die . I have to keep going. When steph killer herself I was in so much pain. I can't do that to everyone I love. I won't Be the person who gives up. I just gotta keep thinking about my niece mazzy and Zoe. About mia and vanna. I gotta go for them. I just barley holding on. I have never wanted to give up so bad. The pain is killing me on it's own. Slowly killing every hope and the want to live
  6. Don't wanna.

    I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be anywhere. I just wanna fade away. I am killing myself by everything I am doing. by listening to this depressing music. By pretending, by smiling, Everytime I say I am good I die a little more. By living i am slowly dying. How does my family think that i am okay. Though i am trying so hard to not let them see but its obvios. Its so obvios that i am not alright. But everyone just ignores it. They have asked if i am okay. They know i am not okay!!!!!! But still i claim i am. As long as i say i am they just go along with it. I can't stand anything anymore. The anger is building inside every moment. Everything anyone does I get pissed at. I don't mean to I just do. I can't find anything funny. I can't seem to find any bit of happiness. I don't even have the energy to try anymore. I am half dead. Like always someone asked how I am. This guy just asked through facebook and yet I answer the same as always... That I'm good. What else can I say. I can't move. Everything just makes me want to die . I have to keep going. When steph killer herself I was in so much pain. I can't do that to everyone I love. I won't Be the person who gives up. I just gotta keep thinking about my niece mazzy and Zoe. About mia and vanna. I gotta go for them. I just barley holding on. I have never wanted to give up so bad. The pain is killing me on it's own. Slowly killing every hope and the want to live
  7. Im Dead

    I cant seem to smile without wanting to start screaming. I am in so much pain. I am tired of suffering in silence. I am tired of keeping it in. Its getting harder to smile, To keep saying im good. No one sees the pain behind this stupid act that is killing me. I feel like i am trapped in a clear box that is cutting of my air and very shortly i am gonna have no energy and i will just break. Its like im in the back ground suffering and no one can even see the pain I am dealing. I cant stop the tears. The pain is killing me. Its getting harder and harder to breath. Everyday I am It replays. Every bad memory, Every thing i have ever went through Is constantly suffocating me, Keeping me away from those around me. I have Blocked everyone out. I dont go down stairs that much. And even when i do the only reason is because i know if i dont go down and act like i am OK people are gonna become concerned. I deleted my Facebook. I dont wanna talk to anyone. A lot of friends have called me and asked to hang out. I just dont wanna be around anymore. The days cant go by fast enough. I look at me and wish i was someone else. I dont even wanna get up anymore. I joke around and talk just to show them I am okay. But i am not. Everyday i try to act like everything's okay. When they ask me how i am i say im good. I even smile and talk just to pretend I am strong. But i feel so week. I feel so little and for the first time i dont even wanna make it through this pain. I dont wanna prove to others that i am good. I just wanna hide in a corner and cry. I dont even care anymore. I dont care about what anyone thinks. I dont care enough to wanna do good, I dont care enough to try. I feel numb. Someone I the pain is numbing me from everyone emotion except pure pain. I just dont know what to do anymore. Everything makes me mad. Somehow i hate everything. I dont think i have ever been so depressed, so hopeless in my whole life. I am at the point where all i wanna do is somehow keep going. I am trying to hard to be okay but the harder i try to smile the more i hate myself, The more i just wanna scream. The more i breath the more i think i wont be able to anymore. I am trying so hard, but its hopeless right now. I keep saying if i keep pretending that eventually it will get better. Thats how it always got better. I pretend long enough it will, But now i am slowly becoming more and more in pain. If i dont talk its gonna slowly keep getting worse. The silence is killing me, But i keep it in, I keep up this mask so no one can see the pain i am silently suffering in, becuase i know talking kills me even more
  8. So over it

    Im over trying to show everyone what they wanna see. I am at the point where i just dont care anymore. I dont care about tying. I dont care what happens to me anymore. I come home everyday and just wish i could fade away. I look in the mirror and i think about chris. I have nothing left. He stole it all. He stole my innocence, he stole the person that wanted to do good, he stole my happiness, he stole the ability to trust guys, he stole so much. He took everything. I still have a family, a home, all that. But he stole apart of my soul, Tuned me into someone else. Ad i hate myself so much. I hate myself for the things i started doing to cope. I hate my self for changing, For cutting, taking pills, for smoking, for drinking. All things i started doing after the rape. I will never be ok. The people i have told about drinking and smoking i said i did because it was fun... But when i did most of those stuff i told my self that i was just bad and that thats why i did them. I do it because i hate myself. Everyday i look in the mirror and hate myself. I tell myself that im a stupid, worthless, bad, piece of shit. And thats what i really feel. Its weird because i talk so high of myself but really i hate myself and i feel so lost, so empty. ITS ALL HIS FAULT! I hate him so much. I dont hate many people. Accually he is the only one i really hate. I wish nothing bad on anybody but i hope he is going through an extram ammount of pain. He will never know what he did to me. I fear him 24/7 I eally hate him. He left me empty
  9. Sufficating. (poem)

    I'm suffocating from loss of control, I live everyday but never feel whole, Its my life but nothing the way its suppose to be, Everyday i feel I'm loosing apart of me, I'm blinded my the fears, Drowning in the tears, The nightmares leave me under a blanket to hide, The flashbacks leave me feeling numb inside, I just wanna be OK, I think about it everyday, Days go by but the pain doesn't fade, I just wanna forget the memories he made, I feel him on top of me, Where i said he shouldn't be, Everyday i put on a smile for them to see, But under the mask the pain is slowly killing me, I try to make it though each day, and everyone think im OK, I laugh to hold back the tears, the pain gets worse through out the years But as soon as no ones near, I shed another tear, They all come flooding down, I breath so i dont drown
  10. Remember

    Everything makes me remember. Hearing someone yell NO or STOP. Hearing someone say the word R*p*. Hearing anything to do with anything or that could in anyway be connected to what happened. My cousin nick was telling me about his ex girl friend. All he said was she was raped at 16. He doesn't know that, about what happened to me. Then i started having flashbacks. Just hearing that word. He asked if something was wrong. I said i was OK and was just tied. But when i went up stairs i blasted my radio, started crying and i was so angry at the guy who did it to me. All the emotions suddenly came flooding in and i started throwing things. Kicking things until i collapsed in my closet crying my eyes out. I am never going to get better. I constantly think about it. How am i suppose to live a normal life when everything that goes wrong is somehow connected to that. The cutting started because of that, Thats why i st drink and smoke and take pills (that are not subscribed to me) thats why i became bulimic, thats why im scared of guys. Sometimes I am fine, But then something triggures it and it all comes back. Everyday i smile, laugh and talk. And when people ask how i am or hows school, How i have been. I always say "Im doing pretty good how about you" with a smile. I just want to live. Really be happy. Not come home and cry
  11. Keep going

    Everyday seems like a struggle. Its like i am half alive and its so hard to make it everyday. I feel week. Literly i dont have the energy anymore to get up and do everything i could once do. I am trying to get better. But i cant talk to my counselor. I have not seen her in over 2 months and they said they are going to have to find me another one because mine is on medical leave. So im stuck like this for at least another week with no therapist and even when i get another one i have to start all over from the beginning with one i dont even know. I want to give up. Thats the worst pat through everything i have ever been through i never had wanted to give up so bad. But i dont care how hard it gets. i am NOT going to give up. One of my really good friends gave up and that was so had on me. I am not going to do that to my family and friends. So many people need me. I am the only thing my best friends Alyssa and summer have. My twin 6 year old cousins are so attached to me and if i was gone i know they would be devastated. MY nieces are my world and i am not going to leave them either. Things are terrible right now. I am in more pain than ever before but giving up is not an option even though i know its the only way to end the pain right now. But i cant do that. I am gonna keep going. Not for me but for everyone i love and for everyone i know loves me
  12. drowning

    I'm not getting any better, They say time heals but it seems like time is just making things worse. I guess i never really dealed with what. I dont know how i did it but i pushed it away and for a while i was OK. Then after i started cousiling again it brought back so much. But for a while it seemed like i was getting better but now i fell like im falling back down. I wake up and The R*p* is all i think about. I have been having alot of bad night mares. I woke up last night from one where i thought Chris was there in the dream he was on me choking me and i woke up and it was so had to breath. At school i just cant wait to get home and then i sit and write or lay down. Sometimes right after school when i think about stuff and everyday for the past like 2 weeks after school i have went up stairs and started crying. Its like a daily routine. Wake up, Not wanna go to school, Go anyways, Put on a act so they think im OK, But have alot of people ask anyways, Keep saying im good when im not, Go home and lay in bed and think about things i dont wanna think about then cry my eyes out and then put on the act before my family gets home. I dont think i have ever been this depressed. I literly look in the mirror and say over and over "I hate you, you ugly, you worthless ECT" As days go by i feel like im getting weaker. I feel me slowing fading. I feel numb from so much pain, I feel like im drowning.
  13. oh my gosh this poem was exactly how i feel
  14. ph my god i know right. I feel the EXACT SAME WAY
  15. thanks everyone