1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
I would say that my desire to just let the court come to their verdict without further involvement by me was silenced. I was told by my partner and his parents that if I valued the relationship and if I loved my partner, I would show up in court and tell the magistrate that I want the Apprehended Violence Order revoked.
2. Have others, besides the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
My partner's parents told me I could trust and rely on them, that they love me as their own family. To later be told that their son's choice of actions are my fault and that I was the one who caused all this trouble was to have my trust, love and respect betrayed.
3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I withdrew from a lot of things. I would decline invitations to go out with my girl friends, I preferred my drawing class above all else because it was the one class where I could be left alone and concentrate on creating something instead of reliving flashbacks. I became uninterested in my studies and unmotivated; I went from credit-average student to crappy bare passes.
4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
Agree. Because I feel like an idiot for having opened up and given my trust, hope and love. All my life I never wore my heart on my sleeve until I met my partner.
5. How do you see yourself now?
I thought I was getting better, but I see myself at the moment as someone who is quick to anger and irritation now. Maybe it's because I still haven't been able to forgive myself for not fighting back hard enough to get him off me, but whenever I have flashbacks to those memories I imagine reacting violently enough in response so that at least in those memories he didn't get to hurt me.
6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
Most of my friends and family can't believe that it happened. I've been told that I'm too soft-hearted, too patient and too trusting. And of course, from his parents it's been nothing short of a "this whole thing is all your fault".
7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I don't have a problem trusting anyone except guys who are interested in me. I guess I'm afraid that it's all going to be just another manipulative rouse. I don't really trust me either.