hopeful2day

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About hopeful2day

  • Birthday 08/04/1979

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Georgia
  1. Not going to go into details, but lesson learned I can't share my thoughts and feelings. This had nothing to do with what brought me to Pandys and has nothing to do with things here. I just truly feel that if I can't share the little things that are bothering me without offending others then how am I suppose to share the big things? The answer is I am not. It is fine for me to listen and to support others, but I do not think I will share what is going on with me. I don't think I am meant to. Maybe that is the point...that I can help others, but don't really deserve that same help. I don't know...Just rambling and trying to sort out what I am thinking without offending anyone. Not even sure I will leave this here for long. that is what it feels like i am doing lately. and maybe that is what i am supposed to be doing.
  2. That is really powerful. Hope it helped to create and post it.
  3. He's so cute!!!
  4. Wow, I can't believe I have been a member since January 2005. It seems like yesterday. I have definitely had my ups and downs, but one of the biggest things I have learned here is that people care and that is okay. I have also learned how to be a little more open with others. Thanks for the great work you all are doing and for all of the helpful info contained on this site. Hopeful
  5. Blog Hop 2

    Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) * Never give up. In the end, it will only be worth it if you keep pressing forward. The moment you stop trying is the moment you will have lost. As long as you keep trying, you will win or are winning. *Know you are important. No matter how you may be feeling at the moment, just know you are important and you life impacts others in ways you are not aware. * Things will get better as long as you have faith in God, yourself, and others. You need to learn to trust people and that not all people will hurt you. Know that God has always been there and He always will be; you are the one that chose to walk away and you are the one that can choose to go back. *Work at not pushing others away. There really are people that care about you and that want to see you succeed. They want to help you. Let them in. You don't have to share everything with everyone, but learn to open up to those you know you can trust. * Be honest with yourself and others. If you are not feeling okay, that is fine share it with others and yourself. If they choose to walk away then they were never your true friends anyway. Let yourself feel things, even the bad things because in the end it will make it better and it will make you stronger. *Keep smiling, but don't hide behind your smile. Don't let everything get to you, but don't hide behind the "everything is ok" facade. *Know you are beautiful inside and out. Things happened, but they are only a part of your past. They do not define who you are now or who you will become. They are merely a part of your story and simply help to shape who you are meant to be. No matter what you do or where you go, just remember who you are. Make decisions based on what will make you happy or that you find to be right for you not based on what others expect you to do. You know what is best for you and only you can chose the right path for your life. Be strong and courageous! Know that the sun always shines after the rain. Life may be hard now, but it will get better. Dear Lisa, I know you think that life is over, but I am here to tell you that it has only just begun. You are just starting to learn about yourself; your likes and dislikes. You are about to finish college and have a million opportunities ahead of you. I know you think that nothing will change and that things are always going to be bad. The truth is that things will get better. You just have to believe in yourself and work to achieve all of your goals and dreams. Happiness is possible. You just need to look for it in all of the small day to day things. Keep your chin up and don't forget to smile. Learn to not hide behind that smile though. Remember things are going to get better no matter how bad it seems. Just keep trying and please try to learn to trust others and be a little bit open with those who care. Lisa from the future
  6. Thanks for sharing.
  7. Thanks for sharing. Congrats on 108 of not smoking.
  8. THose are really cool things.Thanks for sharing.
  9. I am glad you were able to be so honest.
  10. Thanks for sharing. This is a great idea. It is amazing you can be so honest.
  11. If You Really Knew Me

    If you really knew me, you would walk away after seeing the real me. If you really knew me, you would see how things (bad things) really are my fault. If you really knew me, you would see that I deserve and deserved all of the bad things that happen to me. If you really knew me, you would possibly not like the person you see. If you really knew me, you would know that I truly care about others and want to help people.
  12. Lots Running Through My Head

    I am not sure what I think or feel at the moment. Things have been difficult and I have not really had anyone to talk to...not that anyone would understand. I have let myself become so isolated from others that I would not even know how or when to make a connection with others. I just can't even decide where to begin with attempting to write out what is going on in my head. I just feel so lost and alone. Yet, I wanted to be alone but now I am wishing I didn't isolate myself so much. Anyway, no point in crying over spilt milk. I just need to get over it. Yet, it still bothers me but I am responsible for being isolated anyway...so, there is no one responsible for this but me. I should not get so aggravated by what I caused. It was good when it helped, but I am not so sure when isolating myself ever really helped. I don't trust myself to make any changes at this point. I don't trust myself to make any decisions. What if I make the wrong ones? I mean, I just can't seem to do anything right. Even my dog doesn't seem to like me right now. My anger has gotten the best of me when it comes to Bailey too. I don't know why I thought I could handle a dog...especially when every little thing seems to make me angry. I guess I shouldn't have gotten him. I don't know why I ever thought it was a good idea to get him. I am so mean and hateful and he doesn't deserve that. He deserves someone that will love him unconditionally...someone who won't get upset with him when he does things. I love him, but am so mean to him. I yell at him when he knocks stuff down and I think he is scared of me. He won't come near me now. It is my own fault...my own dog doesn't even like me. So, I took a break from writing this and took my puppy for a walk. He laid on my lap for a few minutes and even licked my nose. I feel better. I know he still loves me. I will try to be better with him...will try not to yell at him. I really do love and need him. He is such a cute puppy. I will have to post a picture, but if you look at my profile pic you will see him. THe other thing running through my head is not being able to go to counseling for three weeks. I am not certain that I will ever really be able to talk to my T again. I just don't trust her to keep her word...but it is probably my own issues getting in the way. She said she would call me back to talk and schedule an appointment for next week...this was Monday. I called and emailed, but never heard back from her until Friday. Her Monday was full - which is when I usually schedule - and she said she only had 30 minutes available on Friday. I figured 30 minutes after not seeing her for two weeks wouldn't be enough time so I said no. Now, I don't see her until Nov. 1. That will make almost a month since I seen her last. It will be like starting over again. I am not sure it is worth it. I am not sure I want to continue. Maybe just maybe I should quit while I am ahead...while things are not bothering me. I have been able to numb myself to it all and am therefore, thinking it would be best to just quit. I think it is time to stop trying to find what I am not certain exists - freedom and healing from the past.
  13. I don’t know if you have ever caught onto this, but I often have a difficult time of expressing myself in words. I either don’t say anything or what I say comes out in the wrong manner. So, I am now going to take the time to share with you exactly what is on my mind-all of the things I could not say or have felt that I could not say. I am not doing this to hurt you because I do care about you. Like I have said in the past, you are like a grandfather to me. I do not feel the same way about you that you feel about me. When I say I love you, it is a plutonic love and not a love as I want a relationship, etc. I care about what happens to you and how you are doing. However, I am not looking for a relationship or anything more than a friendship. I know you feel God has given me to you to care for me. I truly appreciate all you have done to help me. Yet, I must share with you that I do not feel we are supposed to be anything other than friends. I truly appreciate the offer of being able to move into your house. However, I feel like I made a hasty decision. I think by doing this I was/am giving you the wrong impression-that things are more than what they are. I need to take a stand and do what I feel is right for me. I know you may not agree with me, but I need to do what I feel is right and this is what I think is right. I realize now that it would not look right for a single female to be living with a single male. I also realize that making the decision to move in with you probably gave you the wrong impression about how I feel about you and the relationship we have. Therefore, I do not feel that it is right for me to be living here. I am going to be staying with C for a while. I think this is best for the both of us. I also feel like it is time I truly learn to take care of myself. I appreciate the help you have given me in times when I couldn’t pay a bill or afford my medicine. I will repay you that and the money still owed from the loan for the transmission. I do keep my word and will make things right. I need to learn to depend on myself. I am sorry that I had to say this in a letter, but like I said before I am not good with words. I will continue to house sit and take care of Chico while you are out of town. I feel like this is the right decision for both of us. I do not think I have done the best job in the past of sharing exactly how I feel and am trying to be tactful now. I know this is probably going to upset and hurt you and for that I am sorry; however, I cannot be sorry for how I feel. I hope you understand.
  14. Just Me Thinking

    I still feel miserable this morning - this dumb sinus and ear infection is really getting to me. I am tired of my ears hurting and the cough. I should be sleeping, but can't because I slept so much yesterday afternoon-my lunch break and waiting for Renee - and all of last night until 8 this morning. I do not have to go to work until 3:30 today so that helps some. At the moment, my mind is wandering and wondering - roaming through too many things for me to grasp. I have all ready been thinking about work things and what I need to get done. I have been thinking about things at home I need to work on. I also have been thinking and wondering a lot about personal issues. I wonder why my mind cannot seem to rest even when my body needs it. I think I just need to write some stuff out to clear my head so I can attempt to rest more before going to work. * I have been thinking a lot about who I am without the abuse. Vanessa told me that I will come to a point that the abuse will no longer define me, but it will just be an event from my past - one that I will accept as happening, but that it will not control all I do now. She asked me who I was during the last session and I could not answer her. She said surely you can tell me some good things about yourself. All I could come up with is that I am a teacher and work well with the children. I could not think of anything else to describe me. It is like the person I am is solely dependent on what happened. I feel like I am this miserable creature, worth nothing and that if I make one little mistake all I have built up to protect myself - to keep others from seeing the evil person I am - will come crashing down and others will see how truly horrible I really am. I see myself as weak and vulnerable - unable to handle anything. I see myself as a fraud when I put on the happy face around others and when I try to act like all is all right. Umm, I really do not know who or what I am without the past abuse. I am uncertain of who I was before this happened and cannot seem to define myself now. * I have been feeling really guilty about things lately too. Like no matter how I try to look at the situation, I still feel it is my fault. I can see he was the adult and should have known better, but at the same time I think I was old enough and knew that I should have told someone. I can see that my mom should not have sent me their -even if she thought it would be safe - but, I also know that I was the one that chose to act out and not try to get along with Dan. I know that I was just a vulnerable child then, but admitting that makes me feel so vulnerable and unable to protect myself now; this makes me think and feel like I had control then, but chose to do nothing to stop it. * I am sad because I feel like I lost out a lot on my childhood and teen years. I missed just being a carefree child and learning things by making childish mistakes. I learned life's lessons the hard way. Through the abuse I learned several things : * no one is going to protect me * I cannot count on anyone, but myself * I can trust no one, not even myself * life is not fair * if you are vulnerable or weak people will take advantage of you; you have to at least appear to be strong and in control * having control is an illusion; all one really can control is his/her own decisions and how you respond to others - this does not guarantee you will be safe * being safe is an illusion - one is only as safe as his/her surroundings and the people there; going out places or being around others will always leave the chance for one not being safe * I must have done something to deserve what happened - maybe I was/am a bad evil person and that is what caused this * I am not certain I like the person I see when I look in the mirror. I see someone who is weak and vulnerable. A person who constantly lives a life of lies to keep others from knowing the truth about her. I feel like there is something wrong with me - like I am broken or dirty. I am ashamed of my past and of how I feel like I need to hide it. I feel trapped in this vicious cycle of hiding my past and feeling fake or letting others know the truth and being seen for the horrible person I really am. * I am wondering if teaching is truly what I want for my life or if it is just another cover up for my past. I mean, I can remember wanting to teach when I was four and five; I had people tell me I would change my mind a hundred times before going to college and that once in college I would change my mind several more times before choosing a major. This never happened. The desire to teach has always been deep within me. In fact, I think it is the only dream that survived intact from my childhood. It is the only thing I have ever really wanted. Now that I have achieved it, I am questioning myself and my reasons for teaching. I mean, I want to protect all of the children I teach, but I know that is not possible. I cannot keep them safe once they leave my classroom. It is a horrible reminder of how I could not protect myself. I love the children and know I work well with them; others have even told me I do a good job. So, why I am questioning this now?