Hakumei_Sora

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About Hakumei_Sora

  • Birthday 02/12/1988

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  • Website URL
    http://www.sarusayuri.com

Profile Information

  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Somewhere on the East Coast of the U.S.
  1. I stopped loving him... I was falling for someone else... Afterward, at times, he annoyed me. I refused to think too deeply of him. I rarely answered my phone... Recently I'd been talking to him again. I realized that, after a few years of this, if he still wanted to be friends, I shouldn't be a jerk. He wanted to see me... I turned him down the first two times out of insecurity. Finally I decided to give it a shot and see what happened. I had thought back and remembered that he'd done nothing wrong and I knew I needed to be kind if I wanted to really try the friend thing... And apologize for past behavior. I said I couldn't that week because of my grandmother's funeral, but I'd let him know about the week after... Well, that week, he died. The day I was planning on suggesting the next week was his funeral. Between the wake, the funeral, and just most of my days thinking, I've remembered and heard a lot of things about him and stuff he'd done. It really hurts that, when I finally would've seen this amazing person again and I had every plan of trying to make things work as friends (perhaps more, I'm thinking... the extra thinking about him has reminded me of every reason I loved him, and he still loved me very much), he died. In the few years we hadn't seen each other, I had only missed him recently, and it wasn't all that bad... I was planning on seeing him, and since I hadn't in so long it wasn't like I was missing something I was extremely used to... Now I miss him more than I can bear. I wish I could go back, knowing what I know, and make time for him... Though many things have occurred since we broke up that developed me into who I am, I also wonder what would've happened that day if I had married him like he'd asked a few years ago... Would he have been standing under that tree, in that storm? Who knows... His paintings from when we were dating have returned to my wall. I also carry a rock he collected at all times. Amusingly, I also have a notebook where I say everything I wish I could be saying to him at the moment. It's better to write it then to seem like I'm talking to my wall. Since all of this went down... My grandmother and my ex-boyfriend's funerals in the course of five days... My feelings for him, my guilt that I wasn't as good of a friend (though he still loved me regardless) as he deserved... I've had some incidents. I've SI'd, which I hadn't done in a long time, I've drank a little (not excessively, just more than I usually drink... I wasn't trashed or anything, just a little happier), and my moods seem to be a wreck. I can barely handle work... I'm so glad I have tomorrow off. I guess I've learned to do the thing I should've been doing all along... Treat people how they deserve to be treated, show them love... Just in case tomorrow's their last day alive.
  2. My uncle's been in jail since the year I was born. He was 21 when he went away. I was told he reacted in response to being sexually abused as a kid by a Scout leader... I thought he did something to hurt the man. It turns out he did something far worse. He was arrested and charged for 190 years. I thought he maybe murdered the man or something. He's trying for parole and I've been dying to meet him... It turns out he was arrested for a string of kidnappings and sexual abuse among minors, even admitting he raped one. My family has blamed his past because he has, and I understand how that can affect his judgment... His whole life, he was suicidal and traumatized because of what happened and he probably went crazy... But the fact that he became an abuser, and I've been abused... It's really difficult for me to handle. Since his targets have only been male, I don't fear him, and with how long he's been away I can't see him acting stupidly, especially since he'd be closely watched... But what he did is now marring my view of him, and I hoped that we would've been able to bond over our similar pasts... When it came to court, it's well-known even in the papers that he wanted to accept everything they charged him with in hopes of keeping his victims off the stand, because he knew what he did traumatized them... He wasn't some sort of sociopath... He knew he hurt them and didn't want them to suffer any further, and he couldn't take seeing them on the stand... He had acted on impulse and later regretted it. So he isn't completely insane... But simultaneously, he obviously is very much insane. Knowing the statistics on sexual offenders of children, their minds remain interested in children even though there are things that keep them from committing crimes... Which means, most likely, he is still very ill. They've been testing his psychological state for a while to see if he's ready for parole, but I know there will still be people picketing outside of that jail and I know that his mind may still be in the state necessary to commit those kinds of crimes... And so this whole thing is driving me nuts. He no longer is someone I feel I can relate to, and even though my family claims he's a pretty good person usually, this sickness is, as I've said, marring my view of him. Before he went crazy he was a great person according to everyone I know, even my father, and I hear he's still not that bad of a human being... My aunt has completely ditched him and doesn't want him out because she has two young boys, but my mother hasn't given up on him and she has a son, too... A grown up son, but a son that she remembers as a boy (and only as a boy and then an adult, since she took off and did not raise either of us and is only living with him now as he tries to get the ability to go out on his own with his girlfriend and kids) probably better than she remembers him as anything else. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I'm completely and utterly floored, especially since no one told me the entire story. I've always stuck up for him, only knowing half the story... I've always wanted him free and claimed to understand his motives. It's kind of like when a dog is abused and snaps, though... You understand why he snapped, but you don't think he's a good dog after he's killed or hurt someone or something... You understand that he was abused, but you also understand that he is now a predator, and you can no longer trust that the animal will remain good because he's become a predator. That is exactly like this moment. I understand that abuse may have caused him to snap, but now that I see he's a predator... I can't see him as good. This is really hard for me and I don't know what to do except sit here in turmoil. If he gets his freedom, will I be able to support him in his recovery as I planned on doing? Or will these things ruin him for me? Statistics say he may still be very ill when he leaves... Tempted... and even if he does nothing bad, will I be able to accept him? I don't know what to do here. I don't know what to say. Everything is completely mixed-up.
  3. I think I've gone crazy

    Ever since I heard some guy's testimony last night at the CR celebration, I've wanted to do as he did... Meet up with the person who abused him and forgive them... So now I can't get this urge to figure out which jail they have M.F. in out of my head... I keep wondering what he looks like after all these years... and wondering if I'll end up violent or suddenly have the strength to forgive him. I don't know if it'll hurt me more or less, but I feel like it'll be necessary if I ever want to move on.
  4. Good news

    I found it. I found the thing my brother told me about... And I'm very happy. I decided it would be a good idea to look up the arrest of the guy who molested me when I was 11... My brother told me about him being arrested for counterfeiting and such and I was thrilled. My brother doesn't know what M.F. did to me, but M.F. turned on him at one point and he's hated him since... We both were excited over the news of M.F.'s (fourth as far as I know, though he spent some time in FL and got into some trouble there, so I don't know the exact amount) arrest. I found his full name and birth date, the reason we heard he was arrested, and the date he was arrested... As well as the location and who he was with. This was definitely the right listing in the police log... I'm so happy the town he was arrested in keeps their police log archived online! It was very relieving to be sure of his arrest... I had heard he moved back here and thought of his being a town away often (though not in fear of him... more of fear that I may lose control and hunt him down). I'm glad karma's bitten him in the butt.
  5. My appearance disgusts me

    I see the scars tons of time per day... They make me so ashamed of who I was and who I probably seem to be, though I no longer hurt myself. As I do just about anything, but especially when I stuff bears at work, people look at my scars... I watch them do it peripherally, and I feel so disgusted with myself... I wish there was a way to make them go away, but it's been years since the last change in them so I think this is the most they're going to fade.
  6. I'll try. Thanks for the comment... I've been a little down lately.
  7. I don't know what's up with me lately

    The memories consume me usually about once a month, but distractions over the course of days tend to hold me at bay until they sort of fade into the background again... Work is usually a great distraction. Though it doesn't get rid of it completely (it's still in my mind as I work as sort of background noise), it usually does an okay job. Today, though, my work suffered. The thoughts were so distracting that, with my fatigue, I wasn't functioning very well... I kept making mistakes. No one was hurt, and I didn't get in trouble or anything, but I was taking forever to do things that normally didn't take that long because I kept making mistakes or going into dazes. Part of it, I know was the lack of sleep lately... I have to wake up at 5 to go to work, no matter what time I clock in, since I have to be dropped off at a bus stop that'll get me to the mall... And last night I didn't get to bed until 11 because I worked until 9:45. For good news, though: I haven't had any nightmares yet... I'm hoping those don't happen this time. Scratch the "this time"... I'm not going to put this on the back burner any longer. Distracting myself isn't helping me in the long run... I'm always haunted again eventually, even though it's been 10 years since the thing with M.F. and 5 since the thing with V.L. For more good news (just thought of this): M.F. just got locked up for a very long time... He's been on parole every time he's gotten into trouble, which has thus made him have to pay much harder every time he screws up... He once even ran to FL to escape the cops and tried to start over... That didn't help him. He got out of jail, though, and was living a town over from me for a couple years... Close to the area where both his family and my family used to live. This time, though, he was caught with counterfeit money and a ton of cocaine in his possession... And people in the backroom snorting said cocaine as someone was attempting to counterfeit more money... I'm usually not a vengeance type of person, but I literally jumped and shouted when I heard this news... They don't expect him getting out for a very long time, and I've been wishing he would just stay in prison... It makes me nervous when he's out, and I also think the state is wasting a lot of their time trying to persecute him every time he breaks the law... He breaks laws and gets caught WAY too often... It makes me laugh, actually, because even in my law-breaking-teenager stage (in which I had no practice in and thus was an amateur law breaker) I never got into trouble... And my brother, who used to do everything M.F. did, never got arrested for anything either, and they used to be best friends and did some of the law-breaking together. So there's some good and some bad right now... And that's the update I've needed to get out half the day but couldn't do from my phone like I did the last entry. Now I am off to peruse the forums... ~Nicole~
  8. Not again...

    So yeah... I was doing stuff with my boyfriend when I burst into tears. Seeing as how I've only done this three times in the two years we've been dating, that doesn't stop us from fooling around... or trying ways that don't make me nervous on days when I'm on edge. Even though he gets why it's hard and thus stops and holds me if there's an issue, I always find myself so embarassed after all this mess.
  9. Being a summer camp counselor...

    I just hate to not try to encourage people. I'm extremely new and few names know me, but I try desperately to just jump in and be supportive... That's one of my passions... I care sooo much. About everyone. Sometimes I feel awkward doing it because I'm not really known around here, but encouragement just comes out... I have no control over it. I wish I did sometimes, just so that I don't bug people, but I have no control. More than I want to recover, I want others to make steps towards finally living some sort of semblance of a normal life... Maybe not the same life they had originally, but some fashion of life... I want to help people live... If I have to embarrass myself by reaching out when I'm so new to the board - with words that probably aren't any good - I don't care... I just want people to live. Even more than I want to live myself, I want to see others live... Just like when I cried at my friend's baptism... I was so happy that she was taking a step to follow a religion her father doesn't agree too much with just to follow what the Bible says she should do as a believer. She took a step to live a life she enjoys. Gotta go get ready to see my boyfriend now (then work at 4)... Will probably type more later. ~Nicole~
  10. I can be fine for days, weeks, sometimes even months... But then one little thing sets it off and I'm consumed by thoughts of M.F. and/or V.L. for days. During the "fine" moments, I rarely think about it and I FEEL like I've recovered... Then I end up hurting over it again. Instead of distracting myself until it goes away for a while, I guess I should face it... I just have to figure out how.