MarissaHK

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About MarissaHK

  • Birthday 02/02/1989

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. Back and feeling lost

    I am back in Florida. It has been a month now, and it's not going too well, but I suppose it's not too bad either. I lost almost all of my friends that I had had before when I lived here, but that's okay becuase the real ones stuck around and are good to me. The reaosn I am writing today is becuase I haven't blogged in months, and being back in Florida, in the same town and everything as it happened, is very tough and is starting to make me lose my mind. i have 3 roomates and all are boys, and while they are all very nice and everything, it can get a little uncomfortable for me and at times I don't know what to do about it, and I have started to stop doing the things that i loved, just like last time. For instance, I used to rollerblade about two hours a day, I used to do tae bo and go for walks and hikes everyday. Now I sit in front of the TV and eat. I am scared that i am beginning to lose myself and fall again. I found a counseling center that has group support meetings for survivors but i haven't called yet. i suppose I should really get on that except I don't feel like I really need the group meetings as much as I need someone to just make me get up. But the depression and mood swings have started to get worse, and I am starting to go full days where I feel completely at a loss and just numb or worthless and like i want to give up. Im not sure what to do about it, if anyone ahs any advice I would appreciate it.
  2. Another dream

    I am moving back home to Oregon in two days. I had a dream that I got there, I was at the airport, but my friend who was supposed to come pick me up didn't show, and then called and said she was going shopping and for me to just ahng out in the aiport for awhile. All of a sudden I was in my old neighborhood again, but everything was silent. There were no people anyway, everything was gray, and my house wasn't there. i kept running up and down all the streets and everything was exactly how it was before except my house wasn't there. I ran past all my friends houses, all my neighbors houses, everything was there, everything was exact, but my house wasn't there. So i kept running and running but i didn't know what to do, I felt like i couldn't go to any of my friends houses or neighbors cuz it had been so long, I felt so lost and alone.
  3. Moving

    I lost a whole year of my life. It's been five months since I was r**ed, but I lost a whole year. I moved to Florida exactly one year ago this day. I have nothing to show for it except for my depression and hopelessness. I am moving back home in 6 days, to try and reclaim my life and start over before I have to come back to Florida in summer. God I seriously lost a whole year of my life! Why did I let this happen? How could I have let this happen? I actually feel like I took steps backward. Also my "friend" didn't call me or say merry christmas yesterday. Whatever. I just want to be ME again and start over I HATE that I have lost myself and I HATE that I have been running away for so long and I want to stop running I just want to be happy and content again and know who I am and what I want. I really really want moving back to ORegon to be exactly what I need.
  4. Going home

    Ok I am FREAKING OUT becuase I am going home int TEN DAYS! For so long i have been waiting to go back, I have dreamt of it, i have talked endlessly about it. Every word that comes out of my mouth is about how much I love Oregon and how beautiful it is and how nowhere else can compare. But now that I am actually going back and it is actually coming up really soon really fast, I have started to flip out. what if its not the same? What if it sucks? I am going back to Oregon so that I can heal, I am taking time off from work and from school and i am just taking dance classes and yoga and kickboxing to help with my stress and anxiety, but what if none of it helps? What if going home isn't everything that i have been dreaming of? What will i be left with? I was texting two of my friends yesterday, and they ran into eachother while I was texting both of them and both groups started talking about me and about how I was coming home and doing something for me, but I don't want them to do anything, well I don't think I do at least. Only two of the people in the conversation knows about my attack, but neither knows the other knows, and, I don't know i can't say I don't want them to do anything for me, becuase that would be weird, but at the same time I just want to be with a few of my close friends, no one more, i can't deal with that i'll break down and start crying. I don't know what to do I just want to go home and hela, i hope I can do that.
  5. Being happy

    At work I am always texting my friend who knows, but for some reason he was really distant and wouldn't text me back. I let it go, assuming he was probably in the middle of something important, it had to be because he wouldn't ignore me, he wouldn't, or so I thought. So hours later once I finally got off work, ok I haven't said this yet but I work at Walt DisneyWorld in the Magic Kingdom. So anyway I was standing next to the castle waiting for some friends, it was all lit up for Christmas, music was playing, fake snow falling, and my heart hurt so bad. I mean, I live in Florida, it was like 85 degrees that day, sunny and gorgeous, I get to hang out in the parks for free whenever I want, I mean for crying out loud I LIVE AT DISNEYWORLD! THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH! Where dreams ALWAYS come true! So why was my heart breaking? Why was I holding back tears? Why was I trying to fight back the urge to jump over the bridge into the water below? God it just makes no sense at all! I should be the happiest person on earth. So I decided to text my friend, and he didn't text back. So I asked him if he was ok because he hadn't talked to me all day. He responded with "because I've been busy." If it's possible my heart broke even more. He didn't care at all. he didn't text me the rest of the night, and I think I am not going to talk to him again. He's too busy for me, he's too busy for me. I'm a burden. Once I hooked up with my friends the night was actually really fun, we went on a lot of rides. I watched the parade and the fireworks without having a panic attack. Later on I decided to text a different friend of mine, one who has been a best girlfriend of mine for my whole life, who always understood and cared for me. Anyway, I only told her about my attack and r**e a few days ago, and we had a very long discussion. I am moving back to Oregon on January 2 for Winter Term and am going to move in with her and her roomates. She said she would go to counseling with me, and promised to help me and only wants me to be happy. I trust her, I really do trust her. We had a very good talk and I am very excited to go home and heal.
  6. Yesterday

    Yesterday was a horrible day. I had to work 13 hours, and from the moment I walked into work I knew I was going to have a crappy day. My mind just wasn't there. The guy I was working with has a huge crush on me and has no problem with letting it be known. He is alway touching me, grabbing my waist, massaging my shoulders, holding me and just hovering on top of me. GO AWAY! My manager had to tell him to stay at his window, but that didn't stop him. He wouldn't leave me alone all day. When I was taking orders and them making them he would stand right on top of me and watch and my hands would shake and I couldn't make the orders and he would ask what was wrong and then try to calm me by massaging me but that's what was wrong! It was horrible, and when I asked if I could go home no one took me seriously and everyone started yelling about how I always go home early and asking why I don't like to work. Why is it any of their business why I always leave earl and why I don't like being there? I shouldn't have to explain myself! I thought I was going to get fired cuz I yelled at everyone and stormed out and wen on my break, because one of my managers asked to talk to me in the back, but it was nothing. I finally got off work at 1 in he morning, got home and all of my roomates were asleep. I couldn't fall asleep so I texted the person who knows about my attack, but he was asleep as well, so i laid on the couch and at 5am decided to just give up and I got up, went to walmart and made a huge breakfast for myself. Now I am really full but still feel like shit. I have to get up in twenty minutes and get ready for another day at work. I wanted to call in but I can't. I hope today is better than yesterday.
  7. Need true friend

    Where are the people who you can actually trust and who actually care and who truly understand and trulky want to help and will always be there for you no matter what and will never go against you or hurt you and think you are stupid or annoying? Do they exist? Is anyone out there like this? What did I do to everyone? I feel like I've never really been rude to anyone in my life! So why are other people rude to me, especially the ones who know what I've been through? I'm not asking them to turn back time, I'm not asking them to hold my hand every second of the day or wipe my tears or listen to me when i can't sleep at 3AM, I'm just asking for a REAL FRIEND!
  8. Ignorant people

    OK so in one of my last entries I told about how I accidentally got drunk alone and was on chat on facebook and told one of my old friends about being raped, and today, oh my god, I can't even say I am so mad I can't describe how much hate and anger has risen inside of me. That fucking moron he has no idea what the hell he is talking about and he has no idea what the real world is like or what he is doing. He thinks he is helping me and thinks he can help me but he is so wrong, especially if he thinks telling me to randomly stop whining, telling me that I'm wrong, and other bullshit that he should never ever tell someone in my state. i pray to God he never speaks top any other girl or person who has been through something like I have becuase I am terrified that they will kill themelves becuase it is taking all my energy not to jump off a bridge right now. But tonight is what really pushed me over the edge. I got home to my apartment and one of my roomates was in her room having sex with her boyfriend and I had no where else to go and no one else was home so I decided to text him to keep my mind off of everything. but instead of helping me out he said I was just upset cuz they were having a good time and I wasn't, which was totally bullshit. True I wasn't having fun obviously but it wasn't becuase they were, it was becuase of all the flashbacks rushing through my head and it was becuase I could hear them and I could hear HIM and I could picture them and then I pictured HIM and US and everything that he did to me and instead of my friend calming me down he told me to stop whining and when I was done to text him back, which is when I replied are you serious? what is your problem. And then I told him I didn't have the strength for this and all he said was K. Stupid fuck In knew I couldn't trust him. Last night I was talking to him and told him that I trusted him 85% which is huge for me becuase I don't trust anyone at all, and now I am so fucking pissed at myself for trusting him that much, God for trusting him at all! 85%! What was I thinking?! How could I have put down my gaurd that much, god I',m an idiot! And then last night I went to a party after we talked and I told him I wouldn't get drunk, I like to drink to forget things, and I promised him I wouldn't drink if he promised to call me before he went to bed. He promised and said he trusted me, and so i went to the party, didn't drink AT ALL and he never called! He didn't even call in the morning. And inside of me I knew he wasn't going to but I let it go. I am so done I can't trust anyone ever and I knew this before why the HELL did I let myself? GOD! How could I be so stupid!
  9. need advice

    I wanted to know if anyone out there knows anything about PTSD or has it. I do not go to therapy, so maybe that is all I really need but I really believe I need some kind of medication to help me becuase this is too much for me, I can't concentrate, I am always getting angry or crying or wanting to die and I will never know which emotion is coming next, just, every symptom i have and I was wondering if I am just being paranoid but i really believe I need medicaiton but i'm too scared to go to a phsycologist or a mental health institute or just my normal doctor becuase I am on my parent's insurance and they don't know anything about what has happened and I can't let them know becuase of other reasons I don't know what to do does anyone have any advice?
  10. Dreams

    Last night I couldn't fall asleep and when i finally did somewhere around 3AM, I dreamt i was being attacked by a shark. For some reason it just kept coming towards me and I I couldn't get away and it kept attacking me. i woke up feeling very uneasy and decided to look up the meaning. I found that "To dream that you are being attacked by someone signifies that questions have been raised about your character resulting in a need to defend yourself. You are feeling stressed, vulnerable and helpless. You may also be faced with difficult changes in your waking life. To dream that you are being attacked by an animal is a warning to be careful with those around you. Take notice of people in your waking life who share and exhibit the same qualities of the animal that attacked you in your dream." Also "Sharks in dreams represent a person you see as greedy and cold. Because this could be yourself in some cases, this dream can also mean that you are feeling angry with yourself or others." After I read this, it really made sense to me, becuase after I told my friend what had happened and he acted as if he understood and wanted to help, now it just seems like he doesn't and I can tell he doesn't junderstand at all and he has absolutely no idea. I feel like I am defending myself against him and am always afraid of what he thinks of me now, I feel nervous all the time now and am very stressed. And i am angry with myself, for telling him and just for everything in my life. Just, this whole dream has really made me think....
  11. "understand"

    I decided to tell one of my friends about what had happened to me. Or well, I was on facebook and watching TV, drinking alone to try and make everything dissapear, and he popped up on the lil chat window saying hey. I responded and we started talking, and before you know it I was drunk trying not to cry and he was there and I just told him. I haven't told anyone, only a few poeple sort of know what happened but they really don't. Some times I wish I hadn't told him, it has only been a few days. But he told me he "understood" and "knew what I was going through." Excuse me, but how do you understand and how do you know what i'm going through? That really bothered me, he has no idea, and he says he wants to help me, but I'm starting to think I don't want to speak to him ever again. he knows my secret, and pretends to be there all the while lying and i know all he wants is to help and care for me, but, gah, I don't know, he has no idea! And he keeps telling me I have to go see a therapist, a professional to help me, but I want nothing to do with that, at least not right now, i just cant and he wont let it go and it is pissing me off becuase he has no idea what i'm going through and now just is not the time for me to go see a T and t is most definitely not the time for him to lecture me! Who does he think he is?!
  12. Flashbacks

    Last night I tried to go to bed at 3am but I couldn't sleep. I kept having flashbacks, everytime I closed my eyes I would have another, I would see him, I would see me with him. So I would open my eyes and roll over and try and go to sleep again, but I would just have more flashbacks. God why is this so hard and why does this keep happening? Why can't I forget? And why do I randomly remember things that I couldn't remember before and then when I do I freak out becuase I had forgotten that that part happened and becuase it is so horrid I wanna throw up? God I just can't take it. I wanna go back to sleep becuase today is my day off from work, and I need sleep, ut what's the point?
  13. Hi, welcome to Pandys. I'm sorry and glad that you are here, I am new to this place as well. It was very courageous of you to write your story, I haven't been able to write my whole story down yet, it has been almost three months. I understand what you are going through, I get random flashbacks and freak out and will have to walk away from what I'm doing all the time but I can't tell anyone becuase I feel like it is none of their business, i don't want or need them to know. When I was questioned about my incident, the authorities seemed like they didn't believe me either, and one of the nurses was actually rude to me and judging me. I hope you start to heal, I have made a lot of progress from just joining Pandys and reading blogs, it helps me know that I'm not alone and that there are others out there going through the same thing I am and that they understand.
  14. Why?

    Yesterday i was having a really bad day and needed to get out of the house so i decided I would go shopping and try and find somehting to wear for Thanksgiving. I had fun and got some really cute things, but then when i was driving home I started to freak out again and didn't want to go back to my apartment becuase I knew my roomates would be there and I didn't feel like having to talk to them or sit there and listen to them talk, so i went to my sisters becuase all her roomates were at work. I hadn't eaten much in a very long time and I was having sucvh a bad day and usually when I can't eat or I have to force myself to eat but this time I just felt so alone and all I wanted to do was sit there and watch TV and eat junk food so I did, I pigged out! I just wanted to dissapear and hide and I guess I felt that stuffing my face would make me feel like I was. But then I got really sick and I had to call in to work. I'm not really sure why i'm writing this, I just thought it would be good for me to write it down so that maybe it will help me not do it again.
  15. upset, angry and sad

    I live in an apartment building with five others and we have inspections every so often, one is tomorrow so we had to clean or else we could be fined each $25 for a cleaning service to come in. It's rediculous, I know, but anyway, my stuff was a huge mess becuase I hadn't ever really unpacked from when I moved after "the incident." So I had to actually unpack everything today and organize it, and it was so much harder than i thought it would be becuase I had to unpack everything that reminded me of what had happened, of the life I tried to get away from. halfway through I had had enough and decided I had to get out of the house, so i left for about seven hours. When i finally came back and walked back into my room, and saw everything from my old life on the floor still waiting for me to organize, i just coudn't so i curled up on my bed and closed my eyes, trying not to cry. But then I one of my roomates walked in and saw me then walked back out into the living area and I heard her tell another roomate that i was sleeping, and I heard them talking about how I needed to be cleaning, and it just hurt me becuase they have no idea why I'm curled up on the bed, they don't know why I'm not cleaning or organizing my stuff or why it is so hard for me to do. It was just so hard to have to hear them talking about me when they have no idea, and i can't tell them becuase I just can't for some reason. I don't knwo what to do, I finally got up and just stuffed everything under my bed, but I can't just keep stashing things away like that, i have to be able to face them and i just, i just don't know.