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About Serotonin

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    Riding the storm
  • Birthday 12/29/1979

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    Yoga, art, psychology, DIY projects, music, holistic medicine
  1. What's the answer?

    Well, I finally went back to my therapist last Thursday. How fucking pointless. "How can I help you?" Is that a standard therapist question? Especially after several sessions where I'm talking about my issues? I'm done. I'm doing this on my own. Again. But this time, no more boys, no friends, no therapists - no one to confide in. I'm getting rid of everyone. Fuck you all. I don't need you. All you do is use me anyway for your own selfish needs. I'm your fucking therapist and when I need help you just fucking walk away. And fuck you Adam if you read this ever again. Every negative thing I said about you I really did mean. I just felt bad about being so blunt. You really are fucking weak. You can't handle anything outside of your own selfish realm. Go ahead and continue whining about how insecure you are. And no matter what you say, you will always be insecure. You know why? It's quite simple - because you are inadequate. You really are. I could go into the details but you aren't worth it. Fuck off. Fuck everyone. I don't need any of you. Go to hell.
  2. Bad few days

    I've been feeling really suicidal again. I think I'm going to recall some more memories, because the flashbacks keep hitting me harder and harder. Yesterday at work they all came back at once. It really wasn't anything new, but for the past week the old ones have just been coming on relentlessly. Yesterday there were so many I couldn't keep track. And I guess one did go a little further. I had an image of my brother pinning me down on the couch, his hand covering my mouth and nose to try to make me stop screaming, suffocating me. He's laying on top of me. He's covering my face with his left hand and I think he's pinning down my left shoulder with his right hand, though I can't really see where his right hand is. All I can see is his left arm running parallel to my shoulders. He is left handed so that makes sense. I think this was when I was 12 and he was 22, the year I tried to stab (intending to kill) him with a steak knife and also the year I had a yeast infection and felt incredibly dirty. And this image seemed vaguely familiar, yet foreign at the same time. It's hard to explain. I think that image is a continuation from the day of the steak knife incident. I also vaguely remember me saying to him, "I'll tell them (my mom and grandma) you raped me!" and feeling incredibly horrible for even saying it. And he responded with a laughing comment of, "Who do you think they'll believe, me or you?" Then I think he went into the "No one's gonna save you now." comment, which sent me into a blind fury and caused me to grab the steak knife and try to kill him. And the phrase, "No one's gonna save you," keeps echoing in my head. I learned that phrase early in life, and it still won't go away. I really needed someone last night, but no one came. I had a few superficial text messages but that's all I get. I haven't called my T back for an appointment. It's been a week. Partly it's because I didn't remember to. Partly because I don't see a point to it anymore. I feel myself slipping away. No one's gonna save you. You have to save yourself. If you can't save yourself, you'll just wither and die. And no one will care. Sure, people will pretend to care. But that's what they do now. When you really need them, they show you that they don't give a damn at all. All they want is for you to be there to listen to their shit. But when it's your turn to talk, they won't listen. I still find it funny that whenever I talk about this shit, I'm told I'm "too negative." Adam wanted me to communicate, but he didn't like, or care to hear, what I had to say. He's not the first boyfriend to tell me I'm "undesirable" because of my negativity. I also find it funny that whenever you talk about being depressed, about hurting yourself, about the bad stuff that makes you just want to curl up and die, no one wants to hear it. How am I supposed to get the toxins out if I'm not allowed to talk about it? And how do I "be happy" when there's all this turmoil... when I can't even get a decent night's sleep for fear that someone is in my bedroom? And if the people who claim they care about you only care about you when you're entertaining them or making them feel good about themselves but disappear the moment you really need someone, how can you trust that a complete stranger, whose livelihood is based off of listening to your misery, would give a damn about you? If the people who are supposed to care, who claim they care, don't actually care, how can you trust that a complete stranger will? What's the incentive... a warm fuzzy feeling... a paycheck? I feel silenced yet again. Yet if I were to walk around, smiling and pretending everything's OK, until the day I offed myself, everyone would say, "Oh, why did she do something like that? She was so happy! She was so pretty! She had so much going on in her life. Why did she feel like she needed to end it?" I think people never really want to know. They just want to pretend that nothing bad ever happens. They just want you to play along and pretend that the world is a shining happy place, just because saying anything contradictory to that would cause their fantasy to come crashing down around them. Because they can't handle truths, survivors are supposed to suffer. No one's gonna save me. I'm doubting if I can even save me anymore.
  3. Another night terror

    Well, it happened again tonight. I had the feeling someone was on top of me, crushing me, holding me down. I couldn't open my eyes. I told myself no one was there but I still felt like someone was. And I couldn't open my eyes to make sure. I think I flailed my arms but I may have been dreaming and didn't really. It started with a dream. I dreampt I kissed a guy I know (JB). But then I woke up halfway in the middle of it and it felt like I actually kissed a person while I was awake. Then the crushing feeling came. When I finally gained consciousness and could open my eyes, it was 1:30 AM. It's currently 4:00AM and I still haven't fallen back to sleep completely. What's even more confusing is that I had a sex dream (about my roommate) after the crushing feeling and before I could open my eyes completely. Now I'm wide awake, still freaked out about all of it. This really sucks.
  4. It's official

    I have a crush. I met a really awesome guy tonight at a party of a friend of a friend. His name is Martin. He's freaking adorable. We have the same sense of humor. It's eerie how similar we are. One of the first things he said to me was a suggestion that I should nonchalantly tackle his friend (whom I barely know) and knock him into his couch. Then he proceeded to discuss how he wanted to randomly put toothpicks into party goers' pockets so they'd wake up confused in the morning. And he's done so many things that I want to do - travel, scuba dive, sky dive, rock climb... the list goes on and on. There was even one point in the night when he picked up a lime from a bowl and I jokingly asked him if he could juggle too. Then he proceeded to juggle. Seriously, the more I talked to the guy the more awesome I realized he was. I even started noticing things about him that I found really cute, like how every time he finished a story he gave a half smile. I was really wishing he'd make a move... put his arm around me or try to hold my hand, or even touch the side of my hand with his... something fairly innocent. I could tell he was interested but I guess I just wanted to make sure. He sat very close to me and his arm did get around me, but it remained on the back of the couch and barely grazed my shoulder. He touched my knee a couple of times but that's about it. My friend did "research" on him to make sure he was ligit. It turns out he's a really good guy and he has just gotten out of something bad. He and I went to the rooftop and while we were gone my friend made a comment that we were probably making out. His friend said that's not the way he is, which is really cool. Instead, we threw limes off the top of the building. When it got later in the evening, we came into closer contact with one another. Our legs and shoulders were touching when we were sitting on the couch together. He also got up to mingle a few times but returned to talk to me after 15 minutes or so. Towards the end when we were sitting on the couch chatting I had to get up to use the restroom. Then he got up and started mingling again. But we would look across the room at each other and kind of stare at one another and smile. It was so much fun! So when it came time to leave he gave me a hug. I knew that I had to do something different this time. No longer am I going to just say goodbye to someone I find interesting and never see him again. I was trying to figure out a way to get him my phone number. Since we were talking about putting random things in peoples' pockets I contemplated on somehow slipping my phone number into his. But I couldn't find my business card fast enough. So when it came time to say goodbye, we hugged and I said goodbye to everyone else. He had a look like he was going to walk me to the door, and everyone else there had a look like we were going to exchange numbers. But instead he stayed put. Dammit. So I walked out the door and almost closed it. Then as my friend and her boyfriend got the elevator, I opened the door again and called him outside. I asked him if I could give him my number. He said yes, but the only problem is he lives in another state. I told him it would be cool to just keep in touch. So I gave him my number. I'm still in shock that I did it, but I think this guy is worth knowing so he's worth the risk of rejection. He walked me to the elevator and hugged me again. He said his bus ride home would be much more pleasant. So freaking cute! A few minutes ago he sent me a text telling me he had a great time with me tonight. I wrote back and said I had a good time too, that I definitely had a crush on him, and to keep in touch. It feels really good to take a risk like that. We'll see where things go from there...
  5. 180

    The past few days have been dramatically different for me. I'm a lot happier. And I'm already more social. I'm trying to get into the dating field, since I've never really dated more than one guy at a time. I always felt guilty; even when I hadn't established a physical relationship with the guy I felt obligated to be committed to him. Maybe that's my mother influencing me with her guilt shit. I don't feel guilty anymore. I have 6 journals, why not have 6 boyfriends? Maybe 6 people can handle me better than one could ever. I'm noticing my errors and correcting them, and for that I'm proud of myself. Yesterday there was a guy who has been standing with my regular group of commuters. He's been there on several occasions, yet I've never spoken to him. He's attractive, so I tend to avoid to talking to young attractive guys. Even when an opportunity presents itself, I still won't talk to them. Yesterday I had an opportunity to talk to him. This time I handled it differently than I normally would have. At first, I felt myself saying a few words to him, then turning to face forward and stop talking. But as I started to turn, I turned back around and introduced myself. We continued to talk for quite some time. I can tell there's an attraction coming from him, though I forgot to check for a wedding ring. I, unlike the bitches who wreck my relationships, will not approach an unavailable man. Anyway, I've decided that if he is single then I'm going to see if he'd want to catch a later train and sit and chat. By god, I'm good enough to find someone I'm actually attracted to. I'm not going to settle anymore. The next boyfriend I have will be someone I feel is good enough for me and I'm good enough for him. Then I analyzed why I avoid looking at men I find attractive. I do it all the time. I get that way even more so when I'm in a relationship so as not to form a crush on someone other than my boyfriend, but I also do it when I'm single. It's because I'm intimidated by them; I'm afraid of them rejecting me. Deep down I still feel like an ugly fat little girl who no one cares about. I can look old creepy people in the eye, but the young attractive guys cannot catch my glance. And I realized that's why only old creepy men hit on me; they read my eye contact as some kind of an attraction. So yeah, there's some self esteem issues there still. I thought I worked through all that but apparently I didn't. So now I'm just doing simple sociology experiments. I'm trying to do the reverse; if I find a man is creepy I will glance at him long enough to identify him but not long enough to hold his gaze. I'll still be polite but I'm going to cut back on talking to creepy old men. And if I see an attractive man, I will make it a point to make eye contact, smile, and say hello. And I have to work on being able to make small talk. It's essential for becoming more social in general. I've decided the best place to do this is on the train, where we'll be captive for an extended period of time, long enough to catch each others' attention but also short enough that I wouldn't have to see the person outside of the train if I so choose. I'm realizing that Adam actually made me feel bad about myself. I really feel like I settled for him when I could have done so much better. Seriously, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't give a damn about you and would rather be dating someone else? I refuse to be anyone's second, third, fourth, or whatever place I ranked to him, choice any longer. I'm not going to date half of a person anymore. If I ever have a boyfriend again, he will be dating me and only me. And if he shows signs of doubt in wanting to be with me or some other girl, then I'll end it that moment. I'm not putting up with this bullshit any longer. And with him just tossing me aside, not only as his girlfriend, but as his friend and as a person who is going through a lot of fucked up things at the moment, that only shows how little character he has. I have friends who have problems, and while their problems burn me out a bit, I would never toss them to the side, mock them for being suicidal, and tell them how "negative" they're being. That just shows I'm a better, and much stronger, person than he'll ever be. I know he'll regret treating me this way. They always do. I'm a good person and I'm no longer giving myself away to people who don't deserve me. I'm raising my standards, starting now. And I've been so incredibly happy and giddy without him. He did me a favor by showing me how much of an asshole he truly is and how much he never deserved me.
  6. Less Devastated

    The more time that passes, the less badly I feel. The distance I guess is helping me assess the relationship. I'm accepting that he never loved me. I'm realizing that it doesn't hurt me as badly as the boyfriend before him did when we broke up. After J, I guess I've just been bracing for impact. But, for today at least, I'm realizing that the impact isn't that hard. I'm actually feeling pretty indifferent about the loss of Adam. Maybe I never loved him. Maybe he was just there. Maybe I settled when I shouldn't have. I don't know. Things can't go back, ever. I don't think that he and I could ever have a relationship again. And even now, a week after we broke up, I find it hard to even have the desire to kiss or hug him. I actually can't even imagine how I had wanted to in the past. I can't see myself with him, even though a couple weeks ago we were supposedly happy together. I can't even see myself with him when I was with him. It's hard to explain, but the concept of being with him seems foreign. I guess the callouses are starting to form. Love/relationships aren't so scary after you've been hurt. Once you've survived the hurt of the "big" relationship I guess nothing else feels so bad. J was my "big" relationship. He was someone I really thought I would marry. I always knew Adam and I were temporary. I figured it was because I wouldn't allow it to be permanent. Maybe that's half true. His chosen path of isolation is just making me realize that he doesn't love me, nor did he ever. I do feel like I was just there to be an ego boost. I talked to my T today about all the Adam shit. I've decided that that will be the one and only therapy session dedicated to him. Our "relationship" isn't worth more than that. It's never going to be resurrected, so why dwell on it? Why assess what he thinks? Why care how he feels? I've spent a year and a half caring about his feelings and he obviously didn't return the favor. He still isn't. I told my T that I'm tired of putting myself out there to someone, that I feel like I have to keep superficial relationships with people now. I have to keep the secrets secret. No one cares about it. No one wants to hear it. I'll never allow myself to get into a deeper level with someone else, because I know that someone will just leave when he finds something easy... a mind game bitch... or an indie rock girl... or a skank from the internet. It just has to stay superficial. That way they'll never know enough about me to hurt me. The dumbasses that I date have a tendency to get off on seeing me suffer when they cheat. Fuck them. I'm done. If I expect every future guy to cheat I won't allow it to hurt me. If I refuse monogamy, they won't have a relationship to ruin. If I push them away before they push me away, they'll be hung up on me and I won't even give a damn about them. Ironically after the session I went back into my friend's house and joined them in watching Scrubs. As I sat down, the clip that was playing was of Turk and Carla suggesting JD and Elliot move in together to solve JD's lack of an apartment problem and Elliot's lack of money problem. JD and Elliot went into a schpeal about how their relationship was delicate because of how JD hurt Elliot when they dated, so now their secret to keeping their friendship is by keeping everything superficial. So I'm going back to the way I was before. I've re-established some relationships with the guys from my past, the guys I had been talking to who sent out that more-than-friends signal... the guys I stopped talking to once I started dating Adam. Nothing too big, but I have removed myself from quarantine. I look at the simple fact that I stopped talking to all these guys on my own free will, yet he never stopped talking to her. It just shows who had respect for and the commitment to the other person and who didn't. So I don't respect him anymore. I also realized that Adam wasn't the only one with the lack of closure. So, I contacted the guy I never had my closure with. Now our text message flirting affair has been re-established. I missed it actually. He's coming to town soon. And we're both single again. I even took a risk; I told him I've always been kinda interested in him but if he wasn't interested in me then I could take the rejection. I told him I liked talking to him and told him not to fall off the face of the earth. He said he wouldn't. Then he alluded to me visiting him sometime. I missed talking to him. I still remember the night I stayed with him. It was a good moment. Ironically I stayed with him that night after I had been hanging out with Adam earlier, before he and I started dating. Adam said he had wanted me to stay with him that night. I'm glad I didn't. And I offered this guy a place to stay when he's in town. He referred to it as "dangerous." I told him that I've crashed with him before and it wasn't so dangerous. He agreed. I might sleep with him next time. And if he never talks to me again, I don't care. I know that whatever is going on with him is fleeting too. But at least with him I know exactly what I'm getting, and that's more than Adam ever gave me. I'm tired of lies. I'm tired of facades. I want the brutal, punch-me-in-the-face truth. I want honesty.
  7. Trying not to sink

    So it's been a while since I've actually tried to write. Adam and I are through. He kissed her, on the same night I talked to him about how him being around her still bothered me. It still seems unreal. We haven't been broken up for a week yet but it seems like it's been months. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from a bad dream, but I just don't wake up. All this happened days before he was supposed to move in with me. He's agreeing to pay rent until I find a roommate. I think he will but the nagging voice in the back of my head reminds me of how much he's already violated my trust. We had a talk Sunday night. It was actually much better than the night we broke up. I didn't scream, interrogate, or cut him off. I told him exactly what I had been thinking and feeling. He opened up a little too. Sadly, it was the best conversation we've ever had, and it was at the end of our relationship. He can't just be dead to me. I can't just cut him out of my life. It makes me so sad to even think about this. I've been feeling so incredibly suicidal. Last night I freaked out because my remaining roommate told me he's moving out in August. I tried my best not to call him. But I called him immediately after I heard the news of my other roommate moving out. I panicked. I was going to not call him for a while. I wanted him to miss me. I know he won't though. And calling him just makes him care about me less. Unfortunately I called him 2 or 3 times because none of my friends picked up the phone and I was trying my best not to hurt myself again. I told him I'd feel better if I knew he loved me. He told me he didn't want to think about it. He can't say that he loves me. I guess that means he doesn't. I'm starting to doubt that he ever did. I feel like I have nothing in my life. Nothing. No one. I have no family. I thought I had a boyfriend who loved me and supported me but I feel so abandoned by him. I have friends but they have their own lives. And I had another night terror. Two nights ago, the night I had my conversation with him, I went to bed late. I saw an image of a blond headed guy when I closed my eyes, before I was drifting to sleep. I saw his profile, and he looked fairly normal... maybe a little scruffy. Then he looked at me and his eyes were terrifying. They looked red. I had a feeling then that something bad might happen. My roommate came home after I fell asleep. I heard him walking around. I knew it was him but I kept having a panicked feeling of, "What if it isn't him? What if someone is in the apartment and he's going to hurt me?" But I couldn't fully wake up. I felt like I was being held under water. I had problems breathing. I felt like I was being pushed/held down from above, pushed into the bed. I felt like the bed was pulling me down. I felt like someone was on top of me, pulling my legs apart and forcing himself on me. I couldn't open my eyes fully. I opened them partially but saw no one. Everything was fuzzy and spinning. I couldn't get up. I couldn't breathe. Then last night before falling asleep I had an image of my father. He was younger. He was wearing a plaid shirt (the usual red/brown colors) with a brown utility vest over it. He was pulling me by my left arm, up some wooden stairs. The railing was on my right. I see him coming up to the turn and I'm a few steps below. He's dragging me. I don't want to go. The steps almost look like the back steps to my apartment. After being incredibly sad this morning, I started thinking again. I thought about the first time Adam kissed me. I didn't want him to. I was scared. And I was actually angry that he seemed to be getting attached to me. Then he started pretending to care and it all went downhill from there. It sucks that I have to go through all this shit alone. I feel like he's just left me here and doesn't really give a damn. I feel like he doesn't think I'm worth being supported, being loved. I wish he would have let me push him away in the beginning. Why does he have to do all the pushing? Why do I have to be the vulnerable one? I don't feel like he's hurt by me. I feel like he will always be focused on himself. I really don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. Today I'm angry at him. But I'm mostly angry at myself for caring about him. I'm never doing this again.
  8. So angry

    I found out today from a fellow coworker that my boss tried to get me fired a while back. Apparently, she was trying to get me fired while I was out with pneumonia... pneumonia that developed when I was ON MEDICATION for three weeks... pneumonia that developed because SHE told me I wasn't allowed to miss any more days since I had missed 5 days (TOTAL... not consecutively... and I was legitimately sick!) already that year. When I responded with, "If you don't pay me and I'm sick, fine, don't pay me. If I'm sick, I'm sick. I want to stay home and get better so I don't get sicker," she told me to "just watch it," implying she'd fire me the next time I was sick. So, I didn't miss work. Then I got pneumonia. Then I had to go to the ER and racked up a $6000 medical bill for the company to have to pay. Of course, I had to pay $1000 of it. I'm still paying on it! Thank god for insurance! Not to mention I wound up missing 8 days of work from it as well. I also had to redeem 3 vacation days in order to receive pay and take out short term disability. Again, it's costing the company money. This woman wasn't even worth having on staff... I wonder what corporate would have said if they knew this stunt she pulled. And since I was protected under FMLA, if she would have fired me I would have sued the ugly out of her soul. She's such a miserable bitch. I would wish her a miserable life for the rest of her years, but I think that wish already came true. If she weren't miserable, and if she weren't intimidated by me, she wouldn't have acted the way she did. I hope she gets fired from her new job, can't find another "professional" job for years, and has to "stoop" to working retail.
  9. So today I got the idea of hacking into the mother's email account to see if there's any evidence of communication between the covert system members. Good thing my family is dumb and predictable. I couldn't guess her password. Damn. Unfortunately she isn't THAT dumb. Apparently she's changed it. Otherwise, our numerous boundary violations would have been used in my favor for once. So I did the next best thing. I did a "forgot my password," and entered her information. And her selected password retrieval phrase was, "my father's name." Wow, she didn't even make me work for it! I got the new temporary password, changed her password to "lyingbitch," (that way if she does guess it she'll have a clue as to who the culprit is.) I surfed through the email account, and, unfortunately, found no information I could use. Unfortunately, she hasn't used this email account for quite some time. All I found were lots of job postings for my (39 year old) brother that mommy was finding for him, a bunch of email subscription garbage, and lots and lots of spam. I did, however, find her email contacts... one of which was my brother's. And her email is set up with a messenger service... one that allows you to leave messages for people who are currently offline and will deliver them to the person as soon as he/she signs on again. I couldn't resist. I clicked on my brother's info and sent a few little messages for him. So the next time he signs on, he's going to have the following messages from his mother: "I know what you did to my little girl, you SICK FUCK" "You better pray she never remembers" "You need help, S____." (Just in case he thinks it's a fluke I thought I'd call him by name.) Next up is the email I know she uses. But that one is a bit more difficult to get into.
  10. Feeling insignificant

    I really want to hurt myself. But I don't have a will, so that means that the little finances I have (including life insurance policies) would go to my parents, where the funds would essentially wound up being snorted by my brother. So I won't. I really do feel like this is the last year of my life. I feel like something in me is dying. I'm going to cancel my appointment with the therapist this weekend. If I can't decide whether I like her or not, I'm one way or another at a phase where therapy wouldn't help - either because she isn't right for me or because I don't know what I want to accomplish with therapy. Apparently "remembering the abuse" isn't a good enough reason to receive therapy. All I can really do is rely on myself, like I have over the years. But someday I'll break. Someday I'm not going to be able to do this anymore. And tonight it feels like that day is coming soon. I'm so fucking sick of this.
  11. Don't feel bad; I've been having back problems since I was 17, and a doctor once told me when I was 12 that my medical file was as thick as some of his 80 year old patients! I didn't go out to see the eclipse. I had just gotten out of the shower when I remembered it, and by then I was too cold and lazy to go outside in the freezing cold.
  12. 8 more days

    I know it sounds a bit melodramatic, but with my boss leaving the company in 8 days, it feels as though I've just been freed from 2 years of imprisonment. Now there's hope that I can actually seek training, because no one else there has tried to keep me from learning new skills. I've had a couple managers ask me, "Now what are you going to do?" which sounds strange; I still don't feel like I have freedom. In some ways I'm getting bolder. I'm blatantly defying her by taking longer lunches (not by much- 10 minutes or so). I figure since she and many other people usually go at least 30 minutes over their lunch hours almost every day, as well as leave work several hours early, that I am entitled. Plus I see it as my reward for putting up with her bullshit for 2 years. Tomorrow I'm going out with the guys for sushi to celebrate, and I'm not even going to worry about how long I'm gone. In other ways, I'm stepping lightly because I feel that she will still be keeping in contact with people there and still be controlling them from afar. Her boss is easily controlled because she can't make a decision on her own, so I can see her continually contacting my boss for her "advice." Part of me feels like she's going to do something BIG to fuck me over. I feel it building because she hasn't really harassed me in 3 weeks. Usually she can't go longer than 3 days. So I'm really apprehensive that something is going to happen. So I'm being a bit strategic now. Another manager mentioned he needed help setting things up at a convention, so I volunteered to work it this coming Sunday. In exchange, I can take next Friday off. He also said he'd need help on Monday, so I volunteered for that too. It's better for me in a few ways. Since the convention is in the city, I won't have a 3 1/2 hour commute to contend with for 2 days out of the week. Plus, I will be away from her on both Monday and Friday (her last day - HOORAY!). Then there's that added perk of having a 3 day weekend. I just have to drop it on her at the last minute, before she rounds up busy work for me to do that would make me unable to go. Yes, she is indeed a wicked step mother looking for chores for Cinderella. This is almost a joke. Usually people sneak around so they don't have to do anything at their jobs. But me, I'm the opposite; I have to sneak around to DO my job. It's ridiculous.
  13. Appointment with another T

    Well, I made another appointment with a new therapist tonight. I talked to her last week but remained uncertain about her. She was very silent. In a way that's a bad thing for me, because I feel like the person isn't listening. I was trying to decide if she was being silent to let me speak or being silent because she didn't have anything to say/wasn't listening. But after she called me tonight, I realize it was to let me speak. That is something I need; I get incredibly angry when I am talked over because my mother and grandmother were always very good at talking about me as if I were not in the room, or talking around me, or just plain cutting me off (even in present day scenarios my mother would talk over me.) I think the biggest positive signs about this T are that 1.) she returned my initial call when she was out of town, from her personal cell phone and 2.) she gave me a follow up call tonight after she didn't hear from me when she suggested I call her early this week to set up an appointment. When I told her I didn't know what I was feeling, she said she didn't want to push me. She also talked to me a little longer on the phone tonight, which didn't make me feel like an inconvenience. That made me feel comfortable enough to make an appointment with her. I figure I've dropped other T's for a few reasons, so I can give this one a chance based on a few positive things. Hopefully this one will be better. If she doesn't work out, there is another T I have in mind to call as well.
  14. Vague feelings - dream or reality?

    I'm having some vague feelings that something happened to me when a man was supposed to drop me off at home. I've been having flashbacks of a couple of kids I babysat when I was 12-13. I'm wondering if the dad was supposed to take me home but didn't. The vague flashback is at night - I think really late. I've also had flashbacks of seeing the kids play on their swing set and a man coming towards us. I have frantic feelings of trying to get the children into the house, but this man was someone either I knew or they knew, and I didn't want to frighten them. I'm also having a feeling of a man I know knocking on the front door and I'm trying to get the children to stay away, yet not alarm them - since I think this man is also someone I know. I can't tell if this is a dream, reality that I've told myself was a dream, or something I saw on television.
  15. You already know that our stories parallel each other. I used to feel exactly like you do now. I'll quote what someone said to me - "You're experiencing a normal reaction to an abnormal event." Nothing about you is freakish. The only dirty, freakish, disgusting person in this scenario is the "person" who violated you (I'll use "person" lightly in his circumstance, because really he's subhuman). When my first boyfriend raped me, I felt incredibly dirty. I felt broken, flawed, used, ashamed, and felt like no one would ever want me again. Some of it had to do with the rape itself, and some of it had to do with my family's view of sex. My mother never had a sex talk with me - the most she ever would say was when so-and-so was pregnant, to which she'd say, "If she would have kept her pants on she wouldn't have had this problem." That comment goes beyond demeaning and goes straight into casting the blame solely onto the woman. (The last I heard it took two people to make a baby!) The message delivered to me was that it was my job to keep my legs shut no matter what, and if I didn't, I was a whore. When you're raised like this and you go through something as traumatic as rape, it's only natural that you see yourself as dirty. Society, and sometimes our families, enable the rapist by excusing his actions and placing the responsibility of remaining chaste solely on the woman. A perp's lack of self control DOES NOT justify rape, EVER. Remember, it's only been 6 months. While you are incredibly strong and have done so many things I would have been afraid to do (I really admire you for it), it's still too early to completely heal. Let yourself experience what you're feeling right now. You are justified in still being strongly affected by this, especially with everything you're currently dealing with. It will get better, but it will take some time. :hug: Keep fighting. You've definitely got it in you.